_____ [entries|friends|calendar]
MAMA iM STRANGE

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[30 Nov 2009|09:40pm]
i don't know what my mood is today.. but i have been sour all day..
the entire day, and when i get back into my dorm i can't help but feel even more sour..
i'm so upset for i don't know what reason. i hate seeing Lucia's back in my vision.. and i just got a text from maria telling me i am supposed to bake for fucking Yummies next week. i told her fuck that i just baked a shitload of cinnamon rolls i nearly 100 fuckers. i'm not in the mood goddamit!! UGH

and all my close friends are skinnier than me.. i want to fucking cry i have fallen off the wagon so hard.. all i do is workout and i eat like a fucking fatass.. i had aplan since the beginnign of the year and i shoudl be 116 lbs by now.. im fucking 135

im depressed right now.. i dont want to go to the gym but i will and i dont want to see lucia's fucking face here when i get back
feel the breeze

[30 Nov 2009|08:40am]
get your fucking fat lazy ass out of the room and go to class
i don't want to see your fucking face where when i come home after the gym
and i most definatley don't want to hear your goddamn chatter
i've been around your fucking fat lazy ass for too long
always making excuses for everything, im tired of you
your selfish, and cheap and you fucking freeload you contradict yourself
and i have to life with YOUR FUCKING SNORING ASS
i go onto the couch and toss and turn just hearing you snore makes me want to fuckign stuff a pillow in your face
bitch i swear to god if i see you in the goddamn room when i get backill be pissed
and on't even try talking to me fat ass.. that's right your nothing but a fat ass
your lucky you have a okay face but the fat is creeping up onto that too bitch
feel the breeze

update for resolutions [03 Nov 2009|08:27am]
January - February 2009
1. Have my medical school stuff organized, as in where I want to go, what they require, etc. Then, see what I have already done, and what I have left to do. (Y/N)  
2.  Same goes with my literature bachelor's degree.  Find out what I need to do, where I'm at, and what else I need to do to get there. (Y/N)
3.  Establish a routine workout and eating pattern. (Y/N)
4. Drink 3 bottles of water a day.  One in the morning, one in the noontime, one at night. (Y/N)
5. Eat proper portions!  (Y/N)
6. Learn to eat when hungry and stop when full.  Only eat when I'm hungry, and then stop eating when I'm full. (Y/N)
7. Have lost 4lbs from my current weight. (0/4)
8. Re-establish friend contacts from high school starting with people who are farthest away from me first. (10/10)
9. Establish a study pattern. (Y/N)

March-April 2009
10. Have lost 5 lbs from current weight (0/5)
11. Already have a regular study pattern, eating patten, and workout pattern. (Y/N)
12. Crochet two scarves for people. (0/2)
13. Have more open communication between my parents, start asking them about life, their life, how they got where they are.  Find out what makes them, who they are.  Specifically, my father. (Y/N). Start by making phone calls and asking them questions about how they feel,etc.
14. Practice positive and motivational thinking for myself in a permanent way.  Start by looking at tips of the days for positive thinking and go out of my way to practice them.
15.  Plan a fun event with close friends, like speed dating with AJ or a big home made dinner type thing with Ann-Alicia. (Y/N)
16. Spend more time with my friends than in my room (even though I'm studying).  Crochet in their room and talk with them instead of going on Gaiaonline or something. (Y/N). 

2009-2011

17. 10 new crochet patterns. (0/10)
18.  Have made 10 scarves for others (2/10)
19.  Loose 20 lbs by May (0/20)
20.  Be able to wear skinny jeans I bought (Y/N)
21.  Do a presentation for HEROES, probably nutrition, drugs, or sex.  Just voulenteer or do it.
22.  Be more active in clubs, voulenteer for things.
23.  Have my RHG minutes together for David Adams. (Y/N)
24.  Run/Walk/Jog 1000 miles. (0/1000)
25.  Learn and practice a new sport or a sport that I already like. (Y/N)
26.  Learn how to take good photos. (Y/N)
27.  Have had a job, a PAID job by now. At least one.  (Y/N)
28.  During each break, voulenteer at a place nearby such as a library or hospital or public office. (0/12)
29.  Read 10 books a year that aren't for school purposes. (0/30)
30.  Get a new haircut. Cute bangs, layers, the works. (Y/N) And post a before and after picture of that.
31.  Try out speed dating 2 times. (0/2)
32.  Go out on a date with someone random. (Y/N).
33.  Get kissed. (Y/N)
34.  Realize that when somone has done something nice for me, return the favor whether the want me to or not.
35.  Become an informed person, that means read/watch/listen to the news every morning or at least 3x a week.  Compare national news to international news    every single day.  Then, once a month compare national and international news. Can possibly do then when crocheting when I'm over at a friends house. (Y/N) 
36.  Once a year sign up for a run or walk, and do it.  Whether it be breast cancer, fun, or turkey trot even. (0/3)
37.  Participate in a day in my life group? At least 7x. (0/7)
38.  Start looking decent to school, or at least try.  Stop wearing do-rags to class and coming to school in the same outfit every day.  Try? (Y/N)
39.  Find a new hairstyle, seriously. (Y/N)
40. Attempt fasting for one day. (0/1)
41. Attempting fasting for 3 days. (0/3)
42. Attempting fasting for 7 days. (0/7)
42. Attempt a 30 day water fast/juice fast/fruit and vegetable fast. (0/30)
43. Make an appointment with career counseling office and get my resume down. (Y/N) by end of March.
44. Be able to do the splits and take a picture! (Y/N)
45. Learn about 5 cultures I have no idea about.  Do some research, ready books about them.  Attend their place of gathering, eat their food.  Submerge yourself in the culture. [Russian, Ethiopian, Indian, Italian, Phillipines] (0/5)
46. Go to 4 different beaches ove r the summer and bring my camera and take pictures on every single one. [Venice, Santa Monica, Huntington, Playa del Ray..??]  (0/4)
47.  Maintain a dream journal for 7 months. (0/7).
48. Stop being a hater.  Seriously, learn to let go of jealousy.  Find triggers, and get away from them. (Y/N)
49.  Make ice cream. (Y/N).
50.  Recycle.  Avoid using plastic bags, try to carry around the reusable one.
51.  Stop procrastinating.  Do what I can today so I don't have to do it tommorrow.  Plus it feels good.  Practice this every day.
52.  Do 30 random acts of kindness. (0/30)
53.  Explore Downtown, Los Angeles and take pictures. (Y/N)
54.  Explore Santa Monica (Y/N)
55.  Find somone to explore said places with. (Y/N)
54.  Make sushi, in fact make a whole entire japanese style dinner party. (Y/N)
55.  Have a tea party, and host it. (Y/N)
56.  Do 100 hours of community service. (0/100)
57.  Take a free cooking class.  (0/1)
58.  Eat at a vegan/vegetarian place 5 times. (0/5)
59.  Learn how to do 10 good makeup looks. (0/10)
60.  Buy a little black dress, wear it.  Also, look super cute in it, can't be wearing my do-rag.
61.  Find a super crazy awesome looking yoga pose and master it.
62.  Get my palm read.
63.  Go to San Fransico twice. (0/2)
64.  Take my grandfather to a basketball game.
65.  Have been moved off campus already.
66.  Dress up crazy and walk around Hollwood boulevard.  I want to be a doll.  (Y/N)
67.  Do something special for my mom and dad whenever I come home from vacations. (0/12)
68.  Practice hula on my own for 2 hours a week. (0/2)
69.  Study for tests, and lectures a week before it's assigned/going to be discussed.
70.  Take a tasteful nude picture of myself and like it.
71. Eat a mangosteen, starfruit, breadfruit, and jackfruit as an actual fruit.  Not canned. (0/4) 
72. Go to places around my neighboorhood that I always pass by but never go into.  Especially Martin Luther King Blvd, Cresnhaw, Wilshire, etc.
73.  Visit the tourist spots in Los Angeles that I haven't visited. (Y/N)
74.  Go horseback riding.
75.  Try 10 loose leaf teas. (0/10)
76.  Go rollerblading on the beach and rollerskating at a rink.
77.  Visit Yosemite. (Y/N)
78.  Paint 10 paintings. (0/10).
79.  Visit out of country at least once. (0/1)
80.  Visit out of state once. (0/1)
81.  See what happens when I just dance with one guy all night rather than switching all the time. 
82.  Continue with my eating out journey blog on blogspot when I go out.
83.  Start brining my camera with me everytime I go out, you never know when I'll get a kodak moment.
84.   Write something creative, a short story, poem, anything.  Or at least start something (2/5)
85.  Meet three people from off the internet. (0/3)
86.  Make 10 youtube videos and post them. (0/10)
87.  Figure out how to sell things on ebay so I can sell my prep chem book before they change the edition.
88.  Learn how to crochet a cupcake. 
89.  Buy a new peek-a-poo charm for my cellphone because current one is dying.
90.  Figure out what life means to me. 
91.  Finish zOMG! Or at least be cl 8.
92.  Spend a week at the lapl, from 8am to 8pm. (0/7)
93.  Have good relationships with my college professors, so I can get good reccomendations.
94.  Start funny random short conversations with cashiers at school, and ask professors questions after class.
95.  Look more into the world of medicine.
96.  Look more into the world of literature.
97.  Compliment somone every day.
98.  Begin a 2009 scrapbook.
99.  Improve my vocabulary, do this by figuring our what mundane words I use and replace them with more exciting ones.
100.  Go to a sleepover again, even though dorming is like an eternal sleepover..but one of the real ones.  With a kung-fu movie marathon.
101.  Keep myself update and all that jazz.
feel the breeze

[06 Oct 2009|09:51pm]
[ music | FUCK ]

i want to cry.
i don't know if i want to cry because i can't log into my fucking wamu online account to see how much money i've been spending since i've been on a spending spree latley.. i don't know if i want to cry because i keep hearing about the stupid fucking DREAM ACT that my roomate has to constantly remind everyone with..i don't know if i want to cry because tommorrow night i have a midterm and i've been too tired to study for it, i don't know if i want to cry because on thursday i have to help with a stress down event..or maybe because i have to plan a social..or maybe because the FUCKING WEEKLY CHALLENGES HAVENT BEEN PUT ON THANKS A LOT ASSHOLE 

im so angry upset, and i want to call my mom and cry about it but i can't because there is no GODDAMN reception in my room.  and its cold as fuck now i hate winter and its pissing me off..what else that was pissing me off is that i have to fucking dress up adn look nice every day and it makes me upset that my anke hurts when i run im just trying to fucking run you goddamn ankle why arent you working for me

my room is a complete mess and i can't stand it but i can't do anything about it because im so golddamn busy i've been forgetful and absentminded litatley..i just dont know what to do i took on too much this semester

theres a constant pressure on my shoulders and back and it wont go away until i have a break from this.  i am just waiting for my nervous breakdown to happy..because its going to happen ..i just dont know when.

okay..so i can finally view my goddamn wamu accont FINALLY SHITT!
also i dont really give a fuck about your life lucia seriouslyl.. I DONT GIVE A DAMN im trying to worry about my own shit
i honestly dont want to give you any input on your life or how you take on a lot of shit when i have enough shit of my own
SO TALK TO A FUCKING THEARPIST OR SOME SHIT FUCK YOU BITCH UGHHH

FUCK FUCK I HATE THIS IM SO MAD RIGHT NOW IM SO UPSET THAT I HAVE TO SO MUCH WORK TO DO I BARLEY HAVE ANY TIME TO DO ANYTHING FOR MYSELF WHICH IS WHY I ACTUALLY SPEND FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS ON GAIAONLINE YEAH THATS RIGHT BITCH I DID IT..I CANT TAKE THIS STRESS I NEED TO LET GO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!! 

I WANT TO CRY SO BADLY I WANT TO JUST CURL UP INTO A LITTLE BALL AND GO TO SLEEP AND IM TIRED OF THIS ONE CHICK THATS ALWAY SIN MY GODDAMN DORM FIND A PLACE TO STAY BITCH YOUR WASTING MY ELECTRICITY FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FCUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

feel the breeze

[24 Sep 2009|10:20pm]
when will i ever be happy with my body? 
seriously, i wish i knew the answer.
i think i'll be happy when i can be proud of my thighs.

my stomach.. i have nothing much to be proud of
except the fact i shove food into my face.

-sigh-

this needs to stop.
feel the breeze

[24 Sep 2009|08:24am]
[ music | mario - break up ]

i was doing my time in the gym today.. and i saw a bunch of beautiful blonde girls walk away, skinny..

i felt fat and ugly and what iw as doing was useless a ltitle bit.  and usually when i look in the mirrow i feel skinnier after my workout..today was not the case.  and i thought..

when am i ever going to be happy with my body? 

it's like all i ever do is think about food, calories, weight, how i look in the mirror, comparing myself to my best friend.
i hate it..and i don't feel pretty. it makes me sad. and i also hate how i bitch about this but i can't tell anyone else
because they just don't understand what i'm going through..ugh to be a woman.

i hate my thighs..when the fuck will i ever be content with how i look? and how can i balance that with my love of food?
it's a hard balance, and i hate looking at myself in the mirror ugh.

today is one of those days.
feel the breeze

[21 Sep 2009|10:02pm]
[ music | lady gaga - paper gangsters ]

so, i just had to write that down while it was in my head..
i've been doing a lot recently since this year started..
homework, work, school..it's making my head spin how i go from being bored to being bombarded with work.
i don't think it's healthy.

speaking of healthy, i've lost 5 lbs since i came to school, probably more since i didn't weigh myself in the beginning.
that sets me at 130lbs, however i planned a bbq at jd's house and ate a shitload of my yummy banana muffins.
i'm either 132lbs or 131lbs, but i'm not going to let that both me.

as long as i'm like 116lbs by vegas i'll be golden.

yes, we've been planning a vegas trip. that's another story.

i was reading my friend victoria's blog and i just realized how i can't stand reading another person bitch and moan but myself.
i think that's why nobody read's mine -- which i completley do not mind because i don't share it..i don't want people to know this side of me.
but umm.. yeah i'm feeling good right now. 

i need fucking october to end, because i planned so much shit it's makign the back of my neck hurt. :( 
help. HALP!! so much stress in a person can kill ya.

i'm surprised i'm not bitching about my weight.  it's kinda good.. i should though update other than loosing weight i ate over my calorie allowance i set for myself. usually im at 1200-1299 give or take.  today i was at 1555.  yesterday probably 3500. yeah.

bought a shitload of clothes recently, but dont feel like im worth to wear them because of my weight.
yup. other than that stupid phobia of mine i should sleep. gym tommorrow morning.

i'm just meh right now.  just meh.

feel the breeze

stuff i've done [21 Sep 2009|10:02pm]

Stuff I’ve Done This Year

 

Weekend in San Fransisco

 

AJ and I went to San Fransico, woke up early in the morning at 6:45AM, and nearly missed the bus.  AJ was running late, as usual and I was freaking out.  She told me not to worry, and when we got to the meeting point at the dining commons and I was talking to the girls that were there, Bethany and this other black chick they told us that we almost missed the bus.  Reason is because, they had loaded the bus earlier and then they forgot to have us sign the waiver forms.  It was cold and dark early in the morning, but not very.  We met by the back bbq area in the Cat Quad, and there were yummy Costco croissants, blueberry nutrigrain bars, Costco muffins, apples, bananas, and all kinds of goodies.  Of course, I had to have half of a banana nut muffin.  Somehow, I’ve fallen in love with those.  We loaded the bus, and AJ and I both fell asleep on the way there.  Of course, we sat next to each other.  However, we knew we would be assigned into groups, because that’s how it always worked.  But, Jason was kind enough to put us together.  We were assigned to Haight Street, and we separated for the girls that we were with to go shopping.  It was a good day. 

 

JD’s BBQ

 

Steph and I made food! I made vegan banana muffins, and banana chocolate chip muffins.  I also made this awesome corn and black bean salad.  Everyone loved my stuff, I was really happy.  I ate like a pig that day though! But it was fun..could have been better if JD started the BBQ early and everyone actually showed up.  But it was a success to me.

 

Modesto Mall with AJ

 

Shopped and bought three pairs of shoes, I spent 40 bucks! Wow, that’s a lot.  We always stop at See’s candy and get our free chocolates.  AJ’s little sister came as well, she wanted to buy stuff.  So, we did.  We split a cinnamon bun from CInnabon.  It was delish.

 

Modesto Mall with Steph and AJ

 

Shopped and bought two dresses for Las Vegas! Woo woo! I shoplifted too, haha.  A hat, and AJ took some stockings.  I felt no remorse.  But I did feel fat that day seeing myself in those mirrors in the changing rooms.

 

Sleepover at AJs

 

Slept over a weekend at her house.  It was fun, and we chilled and did homework and watched The Game (w/ Tia Mowry) the entire day, and finished it off with a foot soak in the Jacuzzi.

 

Clubbing

Actually Buying Dresses

 

Bahngra Bash

 

Henna

 

Thai Food with the suitemates and then coldstone w/ manpreet

 

Forte Frozen Yogurt w/ Victoria, Manpreet, and Erica

 

Starbucks w/ Steph & AJ

 

Bowling w/ Victoria’s Blind Date – aka Hersh the 27 yr old.
feel the breeze

[16 Aug 2009|01:28am]
i've been doing a lot of porn and masturbation latley
yeah..
feel the breeze

[04 Jul 2009|11:58pm]
i have a fantasy of being home alone
and then being taken advantage of a reallly hot man
and then after.. he turns me into a vampire
and i can customize myself before i turn into a vampire so i wont be an ugly one, lol. 
yeah.

don't judge it.  at least it isn't one of those poop fetishes.
feel the breeze

[29 Jun 2009|09:47pm]
ugghhh.. i know when my mother is lying to me.
and yet she still thinks she can lie to me.
i'm not stupid.

liar..so i have a hard time believing what she says.
i hate having to choose sides, but every day is different i learn towards dad, then shy away from mom and it goes back and forth
like a fucking ping pong ball.
feel the breeze

[22 Jun 2009|11:11pm]
i want to post comments on other people's journals..
but i don't want them to read my journal because
this is to vent my frustrations and makes me look like a crazy, depressed girl who needs help.

if i wasn't me, and saw my journal i'd be clicking the red x after the first two negative entries.
too bad my whole journal is full of them.

i don't write in here when i'm happy, which is a lot of the time.
i suppose many people write in their journals to say things that they want to say but can't really say out in person, out loud.
here, nobody is judged because it's presented how it is.
i suppose that's why sometimes it's so shocking, strange, and bizarre. 

in real life, i'm sure these people hide it well.
i know i do.
feel the breeze

[22 Jun 2009|10:31pm]
weeks into summer..it's alright i suppose.  i have nothing negative to say about it, and nothing positive to say about it.  i can truly say that i am neutral..so neutral about it.  i could be doing better with things, and i could be doing worse..but i'm in the middle.  you already know how i feel about being in the middle..but for not im content.

i was just thinking..and today i realized that i have so much power to influence the life of anybody that i come in contact with.  the littlest things that i do, the motions i do, the things is say, the model i set up..people look at it and it can influence what they do.  now, i am saying this to talk about my little brother.. i can do so much for him..or do nothing at all..it's just a choice that i could make.  most of the time, i don't bother..i don't think about talking to him about anything..i just let him do what he wants and i do what i want.  that's sort of selfish if i think about it..i could be giving him motivational speeches on how he can do better in school, or encourage him to do whatever he wants to..and the truth of the matter is that i don't want to be bothered..i'm awful.  but when i think about it..most of the time i don't open things up with people..and when i say open things up i'm talking about subjects that are more personal, or closer to somebody's heart simply because i don't want to be bothered.  

it's selfish.. i could reach out..encourage and build up..but instead i think..geez more trouble for me to worry about on top of my own trouble? that means more responsibility..that means i have a closer bond with them..which makes me obligated to do this and this and that for them.  that means i have to find out the story of their heritage..why they act a certain way..ask about family members, their habits, their family member habits, etc, etc.  and all that..it's so much work for me to do and stuff.  i could make somone so great..at least feel better about themselves, or look at life another way..if i only tried.  

i want to be someone that people look up to, i want to be encouraging, and helpful, and i want to build people up and i want to make them feel good.  i don't know who will do that for me..but i'm the type of person who does things that i want to be done to me.  i will never say it, but i want it to happen..

anyway..yeah.  i just felt like writing in here for some reason.  i'm actually more happy than sad this summer..i'm happy that it's better. 
i want to make bigger changes in life..but want is something different than action.  i'm not even going to go into that subject..haha..

well, goodnight.
feel the breeze

[28 May 2009|09:24pm]
it's so funny that one thing, the smallest disturbance or tiniest annoyance can ruin an entire day, a good conversation, or a mellow mood.  it's insane.

that happened to me today, only a couple hours ago.  my dad told me that i'm fat again in his own words.
he said, "i'm going to leave this in the oven, even though you say your on a diet but you eat more than anyone who isn't" 
he thought it was funny, my entire mood dropped.  my face fell blank, then i began to think of how right he was, how fat i am, how ugly i feel, how useless i feel, how unvaluable i feel because of my weight. 

because of my weight.  because of the choices that i make.  because i choose to eat three instead of one, because i choose to have that second helping.  because that crack addiction, that instant gratification feels good.  until reality hits.

until i'm crying in the shower looking at my protruding belly, until i'm scraping the paint job on the car so i can purge in an alleyway, until i wait until everyone is gone to eat.

i felt fat today, i felt bad today and my dad just..he made it worse. i hate how i talk about this.
i hate how i go in circles, i hate it.  i want to cry, scream, throw something against another thing. 
i'm just bathing and sulking in this awful feeling.  it's so hard to describe, but i want to describe it.
it feels like dissapointment, it feels tired of repeating the same things, it feels like i'm capable and the frustration of not carrying through with my actions, it feels regretful because i 'm looking at myself now and where i plan myself to be.  i plan and i dont go through with them. 

why. why do i do this to myself.  i want to make a youtube video but i dont want to show my face
GODH 
feel the breeze

stardate 2009.26 [26 May 2009|09:47pm]
woke up & dressed.
dropped off brain to school & went to gym.
went to cashio, ate breakfast took a nap.
go with mom to brian's school.
wait.
lunch at cilantro.
return to cashio.
watch star trek, bizarre foods w/ andrew zimmern, and various filler tv.
eat more.
eat more.
EAT MORE.
go home.
eat.
go on computer.

watch random people on youtube.
contemplate writing story.
livejournal.
feel the breeze

[18 May 2009|09:14pm]
first official day back from school..
i am so not liking it.
i can already see myself hating it.
dad and brother already negative, i cant stand the negative vibes i get here.
anyway..as far as eating issues are concerend i am okay.

tommorrow, new day.  i am going to try to loose weight this summer.
i can do it.
yup.
i'm going to stick to 1200-1500 calories a day, and exercise 4 times a week. 
no overeating, no more than one serving of something a day.
im going to do that this week. from tues. to tues.
feel the breeze

[03 May 2009|12:43am]
are you studying?
okay good now i dont feel bad

why? well..?

that is what triggered it.
and i dont know what it makes me upset.
i think its upsetting because..since he brought it up i'd like to know
and obviously what they were doing was something that would make me feel bad if i wasn't studying
which i wasn't and the fact that he didn't tell me what it was after i asked hurt my feelings because he only asked
for HIS benefit rather than OUR benefit as friends in that relationships.
he wanted to make sure he was fine, and felt good
and just left me in the fucking dark
feel the breeze

[03 May 2009|12:08am]
i'm having a people overload.
i feel neglected, uncared for, unloved.
my feelings are easily bruised by the slightest hint of negativity.
please, leave me alone.
don't touch me.
i'm having a mental PMS moment.
the pain rolls through my chest and at it's most painful peak it lingers.
it lingers long
then falls to the side, a jolt of hurtful emotion.
go away, please.
don't talk to me.
whatever you tell me i will take it the wrong way
so it's better if you just shut up and walk around me.
don't look at me.
i am forced to return the favor and when my eyes fall into your face
your body, you stomach, your thighs, your arms
envy consumes me.  CONSUMES me.
ENGULFS me.
it will pass in a short time.
and will be back in a shorter time.
i hate you.
i hate me.


im sitting here in my room, angry and upset again.
it never fucking ends, this is the second day in a row
and i wonder if its because i didn't work out or something
because so far these past two days i havent worked out, ate like shit, and am in s our mood.
i dont want to see any of my friends.
i am in such a sour mood right now i want to cry
i want to cry because im in a sour mood
but everytime im about to cry i hold it in and two seconds later somone comes in.
i don't want to deal with people right now.
i can't take this peopel overload.
i am so sick of humans.
i am sick of myself even more.
i am disgusted with myself because i am not good enough.
i am going to cry and i dont want anyone to see or hear me.

i .........................................................................
why am i so upset? 
i'm upset because today i saw so many beautiful smart black women voicing their opinions.
they were confident, held a nice air about themselves, talkative, outgoing
and i felt like a blubbering, flabbergasted fool around them.  i felt ugly, i felt unconfident.
i feel undconfident becaus ei dont think i know where i stand i dont know i know what im about. i dont know i know WHO i am and i dont know how to find that.  peple always say "KNOW YOU" well i dont' know me, and i don't know what to do if i even figured out how to know me.  is knowing myself going to give me confience to speak like her? or wear my hair like her? or dress like her? will it suddenly unlock my potential ? will i finally get getting what i want? i don't know because IVE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE.
i hate not knowing what to do, i like to follow instructions, i like traditions. 
does that make me a non thinker? uncreative? unoriginal? a copycat?
i hate all those things, yet i feel like i am one.  i feel like i dont' have any original ideas of my own..

not only that but i feel inferior..i hate to compare myself to others because it kills me
i always compare myelf to aj..
she is prettier, smarter, more outgoing, and more people like her
nobody likes me, im like the leftover..
oh god..the leftover i remember that from elementary and highschool
that's what i used to be..the

feel the breeze

[02 May 2009|01:26am]
[ music | Take the night - chelly ]

it's 1:26am on a friday night and i'm here in my room..my friend is lying in my bed so i thoguht i'd take this time to write out what i think..of course it had to be negative.  OF COURSE..

well, today i felt once again neglected and undermined when it came to her.  we are like inseperable..and i guess people associate us with each other.  there's no jen without aj and no aj without jen.  but sometimes i feel like i am the weakest link, honestly most of the time i feel like i'm the weakest link. 

it started when aj wanted to do the performance for the apollo and i didn't wnat to do it, but i went ahead and did it anywa..we messed up whatever.  but i didn't want to do it but i did it for her i gues, and i just noticed during the performance..everyone waslooking at her..not only that but fuck my arms is getting big..anyway she always gest the complients, people always would rather hang around her long than me, etc.  god..i hate myself.  there are so many reasons i hate myself..my room is so messy right now in fact that's the reason i'm typing this i wanted to talk about the messiness of my room and how its parallel to the way i feel abot life.

when my room is neat and ordered, that's how if eel about my life.  my bed is made up, the clotehs are folded nicely on top, the little green blanket is perfectly squared.  the papers on my desk are stacked in neat columns and the dust is wiped form the top of my green glass lamp.  the pens and pencils are in sepearte places and everything is as it should be, no hair on the floor no nothing, my trash i always emptied..

no..tehres a fucking disorder going on one pen case is knocked over witht the contensts spiling out two half filled water bottles sit on my desk as well as an upturned case of birth control and an uncased calculater.  theres three delias magazines on there, one cut up in shreds for an ugly collage i was working on.  on the floor there are old notebooks and bills that keep getting sent ti my ucm mail and my trash if fill of trash from junk food. 

i just feel like my life is not in order, and i need order.  i need order so badly and i don't think i can start.  i hate how i've developed this all or nothing attitude, it's ruinign my life.  im runing my own fucking life.  i saw the models on the runway and realized that i could have been one of them on the cultureal catwalk but i sabotaged it..
i feel so ugly i hate my nose, my lips, my face is so long and my hangs and feet are big but my body is short im some kind of freak show and the girl that i always hang around with is an hourglass with perfect features and her nose is small her smile is perfect her head is tiny and i just look so ugly

and i never do anything to fix that..i guess if you dont give a shit about yourself it shows
now im upset..
im so upset i hat epeople
i hate how people make me, i hate how upset i get, i hate how annoyed i get, i just hate it all
and its all caused by people, i dont know anyone that has made me felt good this entire week
not even MYSELF. i can't even deal with myself so how the hell can i deal with other people
i hate myself, dissapointed and frustrated, so how the FUCK can i deal with people
i used to be good with this, i didn't used to have to think about this
this isn't helping me at all..again walking in circles
its like jennifer if you cant move up or find a solution stop doing it..then i stop doing it and realize it was helping and then it's too late..i always realized when its tool ate and i feel like a dumbass..

;( 

feel the breeze

[29 Apr 2009|08:47pm]
my obesity prevented me from going to the gym today
fatass
feel the breeze

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]

Advertisement