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[04 Jul 2009|11:58pm] |
i have a fantasy of being home alone
and then being taken advantage of a reallly hot man
and then after.. he turns me into a vampire
and i can customize myself before i turn into a vampire so i wont be an ugly one, lol.
yeah.
don't judge it. at least it isn't one of those poop fetishes.
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[29 Jun 2009|09:47pm] |
ugghhh.. i know when my mother is lying to me.
and yet she still thinks she can lie to me.
i'm not stupid.
liar..so i have a hard time believing what she says.
i hate having to choose sides, but every day is different i learn towards dad, then shy away from mom and it goes back and forth
like a fucking ping pong ball.
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[22 Jun 2009|11:11pm] |
i want to post comments on other people's journals..
but i don't want them to read my journal because
this is to vent my frustrations and makes me look like a crazy, depressed girl who needs help.
if i wasn't me, and saw my journal i'd be clicking the red x after the first two negative entries.
too bad my whole journal is full of them.
i don't write in here when i'm happy, which is a lot of the time.
i suppose many people write in their journals to say things that they want to say but can't really say out in person, out loud.
here, nobody is judged because it's presented how it is.
i suppose that's why sometimes it's so shocking, strange, and bizarre.
in real life, i'm sure these people hide it well.
i know i do.
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[22 Jun 2009|10:31pm] |
weeks into summer..it's alright i suppose. i have nothing negative to say about it, and nothing positive to say about it. i can truly say that i am neutral..so neutral about it. i could be doing better with things, and i could be doing worse..but i'm in the middle. you already know how i feel about being in the middle..but for not im content.
i was just thinking..and today i realized that i have so much power to influence the life of anybody that i come in contact with. the littlest things that i do, the motions i do, the things is say, the model i set up..people look at it and it can influence what they do. now, i am saying this to talk about my little brother.. i can do so much for him..or do nothing at all..it's just a choice that i could make. most of the time, i don't bother..i don't think about talking to him about anything..i just let him do what he wants and i do what i want. that's sort of selfish if i think about it..i could be giving him motivational speeches on how he can do better in school, or encourage him to do whatever he wants to..and the truth of the matter is that i don't want to be bothered..i'm awful. but when i think about it..most of the time i don't open things up with people..and when i say open things up i'm talking about subjects that are more personal, or closer to somebody's heart simply because i don't want to be bothered.
it's selfish.. i could reach out..encourage and build up..but instead i think..geez more trouble for me to worry about on top of my own trouble? that means more responsibility..that means i have a closer bond with them..which makes me obligated to do this and this and that for them. that means i have to find out the story of their heritage..why they act a certain way..ask about family members, their habits, their family member habits, etc, etc. and all that..it's so much work for me to do and stuff. i could make somone so great..at least feel better about themselves, or look at life another way..if i only tried.
i want to be someone that people look up to, i want to be encouraging, and helpful, and i want to build people up and i want to make them feel good. i don't know who will do that for me..but i'm the type of person who does things that i want to be done to me. i will never say it, but i want it to happen..
anyway..yeah. i just felt like writing in here for some reason. i'm actually more happy than sad this summer..i'm happy that it's better.
i want to make bigger changes in life..but want is something different than action. i'm not even going to go into that subject..haha..
well, goodnight.
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[28 May 2009|09:24pm] |
it's so funny that one thing, the smallest disturbance or tiniest annoyance can ruin an entire day, a good conversation, or a mellow mood. it's insane.
that happened to me today, only a couple hours ago. my dad told me that i'm fat again in his own words.
he said, "i'm going to leave this in the oven, even though you say your on a diet but you eat more than anyone who isn't"
he thought it was funny, my entire mood dropped. my face fell blank, then i began to think of how right he was, how fat i am, how ugly i feel, how useless i feel, how unvaluable i feel because of my weight.
because of my weight. because of the choices that i make. because i choose to eat three instead of one, because i choose to have that second helping. because that crack addiction, that instant gratification feels good. until reality hits.
until i'm crying in the shower looking at my protruding belly, until i'm scraping the paint job on the car so i can purge in an alleyway, until i wait until everyone is gone to eat.
i felt fat today, i felt bad today and my dad just..he made it worse. i hate how i talk about this.
i hate how i go in circles, i hate it. i want to cry, scream, throw something against another thing.
i'm just bathing and sulking in this awful feeling. it's so hard to describe, but i want to describe it.
it feels like dissapointment, it feels tired of repeating the same things, it feels like i'm capable and the frustration of not carrying through with my actions, it feels regretful because i 'm looking at myself now and where i plan myself to be. i plan and i dont go through with them.
why. why do i do this to myself. i want to make a youtube video but i dont want to show my face
GODH
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| stardate 2009.26 |
[26 May 2009|09:47pm] |
woke up & dressed.
dropped off brain to school & went to gym.
went to cashio, ate breakfast took a nap.
go with mom to brian's school.
wait.
lunch at cilantro.
return to cashio.
watch star trek, bizarre foods w/ andrew zimmern, and various filler tv.
eat more.
eat more.
EAT MORE.
go home.
eat.
go on computer.
watch random people on youtube.
contemplate writing story.
livejournal.
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[18 May 2009|09:14pm] |
first official day back from school..
i am so not liking it.
i can already see myself hating it.
dad and brother already negative, i cant stand the negative vibes i get here.
anyway..as far as eating issues are concerend i am okay.
tommorrow, new day. i am going to try to loose weight this summer.
i can do it.
yup.
i'm going to stick to 1200-1500 calories a day, and exercise 4 times a week.
no overeating, no more than one serving of something a day.
im going to do that this week. from tues. to tues.
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[03 May 2009|12:43am] |
are you studying?
okay good now i dont feel bad
why? well..?
that is what triggered it.
and i dont know what it makes me upset.
i think its upsetting because..since he brought it up i'd like to know
and obviously what they were doing was something that would make me feel bad if i wasn't studying
which i wasn't and the fact that he didn't tell me what it was after i asked hurt my feelings because he only asked
for HIS benefit rather than OUR benefit as friends in that relationships.
he wanted to make sure he was fine, and felt good
and just left me in the fucking dark
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[03 May 2009|12:08am] |
i'm having a people overload.
i feel neglected, uncared for, unloved.
my feelings are easily bruised by the slightest hint of negativity.
please, leave me alone.
don't touch me.
i'm having a mental PMS moment.
the pain rolls through my chest and at it's most painful peak it lingers.
it lingers long
then falls to the side, a jolt of hurtful emotion.
go away, please.
don't talk to me.
whatever you tell me i will take it the wrong way
so it's better if you just shut up and walk around me.
don't look at me.
i am forced to return the favor and when my eyes fall into your face
your body, you stomach, your thighs, your arms
envy consumes me. CONSUMES me.
ENGULFS me.
it will pass in a short time.
and will be back in a shorter time.
i hate you.
i hate me.
im sitting here in my room, angry and upset again.
it never fucking ends, this is the second day in a row
and i wonder if its because i didn't work out or something
because so far these past two days i havent worked out, ate like shit, and am in s our mood.
i dont want to see any of my friends.
i am in such a sour mood right now i want to cry
i want to cry because im in a sour mood
but everytime im about to cry i hold it in and two seconds later somone comes in.
i don't want to deal with people right now.
i can't take this peopel overload.
i am so sick of humans.
i am sick of myself even more.
i am disgusted with myself because i am not good enough.
i am going to cry and i dont want anyone to see or hear me.
i .........................................................................
why am i so upset?
i'm upset because today i saw so many beautiful smart black women voicing their opinions.
they were confident, held a nice air about themselves, talkative, outgoing
and i felt like a blubbering, flabbergasted fool around them. i felt ugly, i felt unconfident.
i feel undconfident becaus ei dont think i know where i stand i dont know i know what im about. i dont know i know WHO i am and i dont know how to find that. peple always say "KNOW YOU" well i dont' know me, and i don't know what to do if i even figured out how to know me. is knowing myself going to give me confience to speak like her? or wear my hair like her? or dress like her? will it suddenly unlock my potential ? will i finally get getting what i want? i don't know because IVE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE.
i hate not knowing what to do, i like to follow instructions, i like traditions.
does that make me a non thinker? uncreative? unoriginal? a copycat?
i hate all those things, yet i feel like i am one. i feel like i dont' have any original ideas of my own..
not only that but i feel inferior..i hate to compare myself to others because it kills me
i always compare myelf to aj..
she is prettier, smarter, more outgoing, and more people like her
nobody likes me, im like the leftover..
oh god..the leftover i remember that from elementary and highschool
that's what i used to be..the
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[02 May 2009|01:26am] |
| [ |
music |
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Take the night - chelly |
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it's 1:26am on a friday night and i'm here in my room..my friend is lying in my bed so i thoguht i'd take this time to write out what i think..of course it had to be negative. OF COURSE..
well, today i felt once again neglected and undermined when it came to her. we are like inseperable..and i guess people associate us with each other. there's no jen without aj and no aj without jen. but sometimes i feel like i am the weakest link, honestly most of the time i feel like i'm the weakest link.
it started when aj wanted to do the performance for the apollo and i didn't wnat to do it, but i went ahead and did it anywa..we messed up whatever. but i didn't want to do it but i did it for her i gues, and i just noticed during the performance..everyone waslooking at her..not only that but fuck my arms is getting big..anyway she always gest the complients, people always would rather hang around her long than me, etc. god..i hate myself. there are so many reasons i hate myself..my room is so messy right now in fact that's the reason i'm typing this i wanted to talk about the messiness of my room and how its parallel to the way i feel abot life.
when my room is neat and ordered, that's how if eel about my life. my bed is made up, the clotehs are folded nicely on top, the little green blanket is perfectly squared. the papers on my desk are stacked in neat columns and the dust is wiped form the top of my green glass lamp. the pens and pencils are in sepearte places and everything is as it should be, no hair on the floor no nothing, my trash i always emptied..
no..tehres a fucking disorder going on one pen case is knocked over witht the contensts spiling out two half filled water bottles sit on my desk as well as an upturned case of birth control and an uncased calculater. theres three delias magazines on there, one cut up in shreds for an ugly collage i was working on. on the floor there are old notebooks and bills that keep getting sent ti my ucm mail and my trash if fill of trash from junk food.
i just feel like my life is not in order, and i need order. i need order so badly and i don't think i can start. i hate how i've developed this all or nothing attitude, it's ruinign my life. im runing my own fucking life. i saw the models on the runway and realized that i could have been one of them on the cultureal catwalk but i sabotaged it..
i feel so ugly i hate my nose, my lips, my face is so long and my hangs and feet are big but my body is short im some kind of freak show and the girl that i always hang around with is an hourglass with perfect features and her nose is small her smile is perfect her head is tiny and i just look so ugly
and i never do anything to fix that..i guess if you dont give a shit about yourself it shows
now im upset..
im so upset i hat epeople
i hate how people make me, i hate how upset i get, i hate how annoyed i get, i just hate it all
and its all caused by people, i dont know anyone that has made me felt good this entire week
not even MYSELF. i can't even deal with myself so how the hell can i deal with other people
i hate myself, dissapointed and frustrated, so how the FUCK can i deal with people
i used to be good with this, i didn't used to have to think about this
this isn't helping me at all..again walking in circles
its like jennifer if you cant move up or find a solution stop doing it..then i stop doing it and realize it was helping and then it's too late..i always realized when its tool ate and i feel like a dumbass..
;(
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[29 Apr 2009|08:47pm] |
my obesity prevented me from going to the gym today
fatass
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[28 Apr 2009|10:56pm] |
i feel so..self concious
i feel so frustrated
i feel so body aware
i feel a stone in my stomach
i feel weight on my arms
i look at the past and wish that i had it back
why do i always wish for what i had in the past when i didn't want it in the first place?
i never did appreciate myself in the past, so why do i care so much now?
it's because i never realized how much i had until i lost it
and i lost it.
i hate how everything has to revolve around weight but it is honestly the number one source of my depression
i'm upset because i can't be a weight that i want to be
i'm upset because i put time and effort into something half way and then the other half of the day i ruin it eating unhealthy food
i hate it when i do that.. i feel so fat i really do.
this is why i feel like this..
today kristal asked me to be a model for her buisness thing for her class to make a commercial
she wanted to take pictures..and well i felt so fat.
i wore aj's dress and it barley fit..it took a couple tries for it to zip up
and then kristal was like wow, she used to go to the gym a lot and now has her butt back
yeah i have an ass again..god..i hate myself.
i really hate mmmyself for being this huge..and it's all my fault
can you see the pattern? it's the same thing over and over
i want to be positive but i just cant..
i dont even know if i want the year to end because summer could be worse..much worse
knowing how my habits are during break
i need to loose weight not gain..
i feel so fat..i feel so ugly..so depressed..
my god.. when will this ever end
i feel like this when im fucking binging in the summer and i feel like this when i overeat a little bit when im on track
nothing ever makes me feel better about myself
i wish i knew something that did
or somone who cared but i dont want to tell anyone
i am so depressed. i go to the gym every day and still i feel like shit and look like shit
i eat like a fatass..
MAKE IT END..*CRY*
i want to CRY! AH!! GET ME OUT OF THIS BODY AND PUT ME IN ONE I WANT
i cant love myself..
i used to love myself
but i physically am not happy..
i don't want to go to the beach..dont want to wear a bathing suit
i just..hate it
i hat eit
i hate me
i hate me
i
hate
me
my
body
loate
disgust
and nothing helps..
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[22 Apr 2009|11:03am] |
i'm upset again.
everytime i write in here it's negative but i cant help it
when im positive i share it with other poeple, and when im negative i dont tell anyone
so, i told aj to give me back my sandals today and she got really upset..not really upset but upset
and then she brings up other stuff in the past, all i have to say is that when is it a crime to ask for your shit back?
normally, im straight up but aj is my friend i THOUGHT i could play around
and she thought i was babying her, but no offence but she doesnt return her stuff most of the time
most of the time she looses things so its only right that i ask for my stuff back before she forgets about it
and keeps it..
yeh well i just got down from ta-- okay she came in just when i was typing that
and we made up in 2 seconds.
im over it haha
now i have to poop.
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| woo. |
[20 Apr 2009|11:00pm] |
January - February 2009
1. Have my medical school stuff organized, as in where I want to go, what they require, etc. Then, see what I have already done, and what I have left to do. (Y/N)
2. Same goes with my literature bachelor's degree. Find out what I need to do, where I'm at, and what else I need to do to get there. (Y/N)
3. Establish a routine workout and eating pattern. (Y/N)
4. Drink 3 bottles of water a day. One in the morning, one in the noontime, one at night. (Y/N)
5. Eat proper portions! (Y/N)
6. Learn to eat when hungry and stop when full. Only eat when I'm hungry, and then stop eating when I'm full. (Y/N)
7. Have lost 4lbs from my current weight. (0/4)
8. Re-establish friend contacts from high school starting with people who are farthest away from me first. (10/10)
9. Establish a study pattern. (Y/N)
March-April 2009
10. Have lost 5 lbs from current weight (0/5)
11. Already have a regular study pattern, eating patten, and workout pattern. (Y/N)
12. Crochet two scarves for people. (0/2)
13. Have more open communication between my parents, start asking them about life, their life, how they got where they are. Find out what makes them, who they are. Specifically, my father. (Y/N). Start by making phone calls and asking them questions about how they feel,etc.
14. Practice positive and motivational thinking for myself in a permanent way. Start by looking at tips of the days for positive thinking and go out of my way to practice them.
15. Plan a fun event with close friends, like speed dating with AJ or a big home made dinner type thing with Ann-Alicia. (Y/N)
16. Spend more time with my friends than in my room (even though I'm studying). Crochet in their room and talk with them instead of going on Gaiaonline or something. (Y/N).
2009-2011
17. 10 new crochet patterns. (0/10)
18. Have made 10 scarves for others (2/10)
19. Loose 20 lbs by May (0/20)
20. Be able to wear skinny jeans I bought (Y/N)
21. Do a presentation for HEROES, probably nutrition, drugs, or sex. Just voulenteer or do it.
22. Be more active in clubs, voulenteer for things.
23. Have my RHG minutes together for David Adams. (Y/N)
24. Run/Walk/Jog 1000 miles. (0/1000)
25. Learn and practice a new sport or a sport that I already like. (Y/N)
26. Learn how to take good photos. (Y/N)
27. Have had a job, a PAID job by now. At least one. (Y/N)
28. During each break, voulenteer at a place nearby such as a library or hospital or public office. (0/12)
29. Read 10 books a year that aren't for school purposes. (0/30)
30. Get a new haircut. Cute bangs, layers, the works. (Y/N) And post a before and after picture of that.
31. Try out speed dating 2 times. (0/2)
32. Go out on a date with someone random. (Y/N).
33. Get kissed. (Y/N)
34. Realize that when somone has done something nice for me, return the favor whether the want me to or not.
35. Become an informed person, that means read/watch/listen to the news every morning or at least 3x a week. Compare national news to international news every single day. Then, once a month compare national and international news. Can possibly do then when crocheting when I'm over at a friends house. (Y/N)
36. Once a year sign up for a run or walk, and do it. Whether it be breast cancer, fun, or turkey trot even. (0/3)
37. Participate in a day in my life group? At least 7x. (0/7)
38. Start looking decent to school, or at least try. Stop wearing do-rags to class and coming to school in the same outfit every day. Try? (Y/N)
39. Find a new hairstyle, seriously. (Y/N)
40. Attempt fasting for one day. (0/1)
41. Attempting fasting for 3 days. (0/3)
42. Attempting fasting for 7 days. (0/7)
42. Attempt a 30 day water fast/juice fast/fruit and vegetable fast. (0/30)
43. Make an appointment with career counseling office and get my resume down. (Y/N) by end of March.
44. Be able to do the splits and take a picture! (Y/N)
45. Learn about 5 cultures I have no idea about. Do some research, ready books about them. Attend their place of gathering, eat their food. Submerge yourself in the culture. [Russian, Ethiopian, Indian, Italian, Phillipines] (0/5)
46. Go to 4 different beaches ove r the summer and bring my camera and take pictures on every single one. [Venice, Santa Monica, Huntington, Playa del Ray..??] (0/4)
47. Maintain a dream journal for 7 months. (0/7).
48. Stop being a hater. Seriously, learn to let go of jealousy. Find triggers, and get away from them. (Y/N)
49. Make ice cream. (Y/N).
50. Recycle. Avoid using plastic bags, try to carry around the reusable one.
51. Stop procrastinating. Do what I can today so I don't have to do it tommorrow. Plus it feels good. Practice this every day.
52. Do 30 random acts of kindness. (0/30)
53. Explore Downtown, Los Angeles and take pictures. (Y/N)
54. Explore Santa Monica (Y/N)
55. Find somone to explore said places with. (Y/N)
54. Make sushi, in fact make a whole entire japanese style dinner party. (Y/N)
55. Have a tea party, and host it. (Y/N)
56. Do 100 hours of community service. (0/100)
57. Take a free cooking class. (0/1)
58. Eat at a vegan/vegetarian place 5 times. (0/5)
59. Learn how to do 10 good makeup looks. (0/10)
60. Buy a little black dress, wear it. Also, look super cute in it, can't be wearing my do-rag.
61. Find a super crazy awesome looking yoga pose and master it.
62. Get my palm read.
63. Go to San Fransico twice. (0/2)
64. Take my grandfather to a basketball game.
65. Have been moved off campus already.
66. Dress up crazy and walk around Hollwood boulevard. I want to be a doll. (Y/N)
67. Do something special for my mom and dad whenever I come home from vacations. (0/12)
68. Practice hula on my own for 2 hours a week. (0/2)
69. Study for tests, and lectures a week before it's assigned/going to be discussed.
70. Take a tasteful nude picture of myself and like it.
71. Eat a mangosteen, starfruit, breadfruit, and jackfruit as an actual fruit. Not canned. (0/4)
72. Go to places around my neighboorhood that I always pass by but never go into. Especially Martin Luther King Blvd, Cresnhaw, Wilshire, etc.
73. Visit the tourist spots in Los Angeles that I haven't visited. (Y/N)
74. Go horseback riding.
75. Try 10 loose leaf teas. (0/10)
76. Go rollerblading on the beach and rollerskating at a rink.
77. Visit Yosemite. (Y/N)
78. Paint 10 paintings. (0/10).
79. Visit out of country at least once. (0/1)
80. Visit out of state once. (0/1)
81. See what happens when I just dance with one guy all night rather than switching all the time.
82. Continue with my eating out journey blog on blogspot when I go out.
83. Start brining my camera with me everytime I go out, you never know when I'll get a kodak moment.
84. Write something creative, a short story, poem, anything. Or at least start something (2/5)
85. Meet three people from off the internet. (0/3)
86. Make 10 youtube videos and post them. (0/10)
87. Figure out how to sell things on ebay so I can sell my prep chem book before they change the edition.
88. Learn how to crochet a cupcake.
89. Buy a new peek-a-poo charm for my cellphone because current one is dying.
90. Figure out what life means to me.
91. Finish zOMG! Or at least be cl 8.
92. Spend a week at the lapl, from 8am to 8pm. (0/7)
93. Have good relationships with my college professors, so I can get good reccomendations.
94. Start funny random short conversations with cashiers at school, and ask professors questions after class.
95. Look more into the world of medicine.
96. Look more into the world of literature.
97. Compliment somone every day.
98. Begin a 2009 scrapbook.
99. Improve my vocabulary, do this by figuring our what mundane words I use and replace them with more exciting ones.
100. Go to a sleepover again, even though dorming is like an eternal sleepover..but one of the real ones. With a kung-fu movie marathon.
101. Keep myself update and all that jazz.
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[20 Apr 2009|10:53pm] |
it's been a while since i've written.
and in that while i've been going through ups and downs (story of my freaking life)
literally, school wise, emotionally wise, weight wise, EVERYTHING WISE.
i hate that i am not consistant. really, seriously, and truly.
she keeps getting skinner and skinner and i keep getting fatter and fatter
i hate how i am so spurred by instant gratification..
that and i hate how i look in the mirror and feel like i am to slow to change it.
but i need to change myself inside before i can make a huge differece outside
i fucking repeat these dumb quotes all the time and i never stick to them
i guess i write them down becuase im a literature major and i like to write shit that sounds good even though i dont follow it myself.
im the fucking nutrition chair next semester and i need to shape up and get fucking skinny or else this shit will suck.
and i don't want it to suck. i don't know how summer will be..i always am like 30 lbs heavier after summer.
god..the first summer was a binge fest. this is the next summer, i refuse to let it become that.
REFUSE to feel that way.
anyway, a lot has happened since the last time i wrote, i became close friends with my suitemate.
i am in love with a boy that doesn't know me named hans wikkeling.
i halfway coreographed a song for ohana, jd let me download hella video games from SNES onto my laptop
l.perez annoys me a bit because she always asks what im doing and where i am
shavone and obia are bitches
i know mom has sex with ged (ew)
i wonder if i will ever get a fucking love life, but i doubt it
my face is fat, my arms are fat, my legs are fat and im not even exaggerating.
i dont even want to post my weight. yes, its about the number bitch.
not wearing a bathing suit this summer either. FUCK.
call me negative nancy..because that's what i am. i'm failing chemistry too, did i mention that?
i think i may go vegan starting summertime.
michelle obama is coming to campus
on a positive note,
i won being secretary of rhg, i am going to get paid next semester, i know what im doing to do with my life..wow. those are big things. i need to stop bitching.
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[20 Apr 2009|10:50pm] |
ashamed.
dissapointed.
frustrated.
going in circles.
i like to suffer. because i do it over and over
and over
again.
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[20 Apr 2009|01:25pm] |
theres a reason why your thighs rub together and yoru arms are fat
its called food
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[04 Apr 2009|05:09pm] |
January - February 2009
1. Have my medical school stuff organized, as in where I want to go, what they require, etc. Then, see what I have already done, and what I have left to do. (Y/N)
2. Same goes with my literature bachelor's degree. Find out what I need to do, where I'm at, and what else I need to do to get there. (Y/N)
3. Establish a routine workout and eating pattern. (Y/N)
4. Drink 3 bottles of water a day. One in the morning, one in the noontime, one at night. (Y/N)
5. Eat proper portions! (Y/N)
6. Learn to eat when hungry and stop when full. Only eat when I'm hungry, and then stop eating when I'm full. (Y/N)
7. Have lost 4lbs from my current weight. (0/4)
8. Re-establish friend contacts from high school starting with people who are farthest away from me first. (10/10)
9. Establish a study pattern. (Y/N)
March-April 2009
10. Have lost 5 lbs from current weight (0/5)
11. Already have a regular study pattern, eating patten, and workout pattern. (Y/N)
12. Crochet two scarves for people. (0/2)
13. Have more open communication between my parents, start asking them about life, their life, how they got where they are. Find out what makes them, who they are. Specifically, my father. (Y/N). Start by making phone calls and asking them questions about how they feel,etc.
14. Practice positive and motivational thinking for myself in a permanent way. Start by looking at tips of the days for positive thinking and go out of my way to practice them.
15. Plan a fun event with close friends, like speed dating with AJ or a big home made dinner type thing with Ann-Alicia. (Y/N)
16. Spend more time with my friends than in my room (even though I'm studying). Crochet in their room and talk with them instead of going on Gaiaonline or something. (Y/N).
2009-2011
17. 10 new crochet patterns. (0/10)
18. Have made 10 scarves for others (2/10)
19. Loose 20 lbs by May (0/20)
20. Be able to wear skinny jeans I bought (Y/N)
21. Do a presentation for HEROES, probably nutrition, drugs, or sex. Just voulenteer or do it.
22. Be more active in clubs, voulenteer for things.
23. Have my RHG minutes together for David Adams. (Y/N)
24. Run/Walk/Jog 1000 miles. (0/1000)
25. Learn and practice a new sport or a sport that I already like. (Y/N)
26. Learn how to take good photos. (Y/N)
27. Have had a job, a PAID job by now. At least one. (Y/N)
28. During each break, voulenteer at a place nearby such as a library or hospital or public office. (0/12)
29. Read 10 books a year that aren't for school purposes. (0/30)
30. Get a new haircut. Cute bangs, layers, the works. (Y/N) And post a before and after picture of that.
31. Try out speed dating 2 times. (0/2)
32. Go out on a date with someone random. (Y/N).
33. Get kissed. (Y/N)
34. Realize that when somone has done something nice for me, return the favor whether the want me to or not.
35. Become an informed person, that means read/watch/listen to the news every morning or at least 3x a week. Compare national news to international news every single day. Then, once a month compare national and international news. Can possibly do then when crocheting when I'm over at a friends house. (Y/N)
36. Once a year sign up for a run or walk, and do it. Whether it be breast cancer, fun, or turkey trot even. (0/3)
37. Participate in a day in my life group? At least 7x. (0/7)
38. Start looking decent to school, or at least try. Stop wearing do-rags to class and coming to school in the same outfit every day. Try? (Y/N)
39. Find a new hairstyle, seriously. (Y/N)
40. Attempt fasting for one day. (0/1)
41. Attempting fasting for 3 days. (0/3)
42. Attempting fasting for 7 days. (0/7)
42. Attempt a 30 day water fast/juice fast/fruit and vegetable fast. (0/30)
43. Make an appointment with career counseling office and get my resume down. (Y/N) by end of March.
44. Be able to do the splits and take a picture! (Y/N)
45. Learn about 5 cultures I have no idea about. Do some research, ready books about them. Attend their place of gathering, eat their food. Submerge yourself in the culture. [Russian, Ethiopian, Indian, Italian, Phillipines] (0/5)
46. Go to 4 different beaches ove r the summer and bring my camera and take pictures on every single one. [Venice, Santa Monica, Huntington, Playa del Ray..??] (0/4)
47. Maintain a dream journal for 7 months. (0/7).
48. Stop being a hater. Seriously, learn to let go of jealousy. Find triggers, and get away from them. (Y/N)
49. Make ice cream. (Y/N).
50. Recycle. Avoid using plastic bags, try to carry around the reusable one.
51. Stop procrastinating. Do what I can today so I don't have to do it tommorrow. Plus it feels good. Practice this every day.
52. Do 30 random acts of kindness. (0/30)
53. Explore Downtown, Los Angeles and take pictures. (Y/N)
54. Explore Santa Monica (Y/N)
55. Find somone to explore said places with. (Y/N)
54. Make sushi, in fact make a whole entire japanese style dinner party. (Y/N)
55. Have a tea party, and host it. (Y/N)
56. Do 100 hours of community service. (0/100)
57. Take a free cooking class. (0/1)
58. Eat at a vegan/vegetarian place 5 times. (0/5)
59. Learn how to do 10 good makeup looks. (0/10)
60. Buy a little black dress, wear it. Also, look super cute in it, can't be wearing my do-rag.
61. Find a super crazy awesome looking yoga pose and master it.
62. Get my palm read.
63. Go to San Fransico twice. (0/2)
64. Take my grandfather to a basketball game.
65. Have been moved off campus already.
66. Dress up crazy and walk around Hollwood boulevard. I want to be a doll. (Y/N)
67. Do something special for my mom and dad whenever I come home from vacations. (0/12)
68. Practice hula on my own for 2 hours a week. (0/2)
69. Study for tests, and lectures a week before it's assigned/going to be discussed.
70. Take a tasteful nude picture of myself and like it.
71. Eat a mangosteen, starfruit, breadfruit, and jackfruit as an actual fruit. Not canned. (0/4)
72. Go to places around my neighboorhood that I always pass by but never go into. Especially Martin Luther King Blvd, Cresnhaw, Wilshire, etc.
73. Visit the tourist spots in Los Angeles that I haven't visited. (Y/N)
74. Go horseback riding.
75. Try 10 loose leaf teas. (0/10)
76. Go rollerblading on the beach and rollerskating at a rink.
77. Visit Yosemite. (Y/N)
78. Paint 10 paintings. (0/10).
79. Visit out of country at least once. (0/1)
80. Visit out of state once. (0/1)
81. See what happens when I just dance with one guy all night rather than switching all the time.
82. Continue with my eating out journey blog on blogspot when I go out.
83. Start brining my camera with me everytime I go out, you never know when I'll get a kodak moment.
84. Write something creative, a short story, poem, anything. Or at least start something (2/5)
85. Meet three people from off the internet. (0/3)
86. Make 10 youtube videos and post them. (0/10)
87. Figure out how to sell things on ebay so I can sell my prep chem book before they change the edition.
88. Learn how to crochet a cupcake.
89. Buy a new peek-a-poo charm for my cellphone because current one is dying.
90. Figure out what life means to me.
91. Finish zOMG! Or at least be cl 8.
92. Spend a week at the lapl, from 8am to 8pm. (0/7)
93. Have good relationships with my college professors, so I can get good reccomendations.
94. Start funny random short conversations with cashiers at school, and ask professors questions after class.
95. Look more into the world of medicine.
96. Look more into the world of literature.
97. Compliment somone every day.
98. Begin a 2009 scrapbook.
99. Improve my vocabulary, do this by figuring our what mundane words I use and replace them with more exciting ones.
100. Go to a sleepover again, even though dorming is like an eternal sleepover..but one of the real ones. With a kung-fu movie marathon.
101. Keep myself update and all that jazz.
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feel the breeze
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[24 Mar 2009|10:49pm] |
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Kanye West feat. Kid Cudi - Paranoid |
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its tuesday..5th day of spring break.
i had an entire list of things i wanted to do..but i don't think i've done one of them.
an ENTIRE list.
recently, i've been falling short.
of EVERYTHING i do. i have high expectations for myself and I never meet them.
i make promises to myself and don't keep them.
im a mess when it comes to goals and ..now it seems self motivation!
i never used to be like this, and im wondering why the hell am i turning into some pudy soft..so-so wishy-washy person.
i want to be one or the other. i want to either be extremely nazi rigid, or at least a fucking pansy through and through.
but the thing is i'm like halfway in both..and i hat eit!!!!!!
i feel like being halfway in anything means you suck/cowardly/indecicive..basically the worst place to be.
in the middle sucks..nobody likes the person who plays the middle, the insigator, the half assed person.
nobody!! and i feel like i'm like that with myself.
i HATE it when i do this..i hate it when i have high expecations for myself only to let myself down.
i've been letting myself down ever since this new year has started.
i haven't lost the weight that i wanted to, i've been constalny that the same fucking weight and it's MY fault.
i already know what i have to do and i don't do it, and i don't know why im frustrated.
i wanted to do my resume, practice hula, wanted to get all A's..wanted this..wanted that
and i just FAIL at everything is eem to want to do.
i feel like a failure..i really do..im not just saying this either.
it's just..all the goals i have for myself..i fall short..i feel like im playing this race to catchup..or to get even with myself and i always fall two steps behind when i jump a step forward..i don't know why i do this to myself..i want somone to analyze me and tell me why i do this.
i NEVER used to be like this, so why now?
why am i falling short of my many goals? any how come it's depressing everytime i write in this stupid journal.
some days, i feel like it's not worth it..like i shoudl just give up and live as a lump and give into all my indulgences and fantasies..
but i know ill feel like crap when i do that and it'll turn into a cycle..i guess what i need in my life is discipline..
i remember when i said i needed a schedule in my life..well i got one..that really didnt' change much.
i think the thing that needs changing is me. it's not that i need something in my life, it's that i have to make a change in my personality/habits/behavior so that i can be more successful and happier with myself. i need to train myself, to discipline myelf.
i hate pain..i really do, but the results will be worth it i suppose.
i am so jealous of people who i belive can do this all naturally
:(
:(
i suck.
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feel the breeze
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| Another Vegeterian Hundred |
[16 Mar 2009|10:03pm] |
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The Vegetarian Hundred 1. Real macaroni and cheese, made from scratch and baked
2. Tabouleh
3. Freshly baked bread, straight from the oven (preferably with homemade strawberry jam)
4. Fresh figs
5. Fresh pomegranate
6. Indian dal of any sort
7. Imam bayildi
8. Pressed spiced Chinese tofu
9. Freshly made hummus
10. Tahini
11. Kimchi
12. Miso
13. Falafel
14. Potato and pea filled samosas
15. Homemade yogurt
16. Muhammara
17. Brie en croute
18. Spanikopita
19. Fresh, vine-ripened heirloom tomatoes
20. Insalata caprese
21. Stir-fried greens (gai lan, bok choi, pea shoots, kale, chard or collards)
22. Freshly made salsa
23. Freshly made guacamole
24. Creme brulee
25. Fava beans
26. Chinese cold sesame peanut noodles
27. Fattoush
28. New potatoes
29. Coleslaw
30. Ratatouille
31. Baba ganoush
32. Winter squash
33. Roasted beets
34. Baked sweet potatoes
35. Plantains
36. Chocolate truffles
37. Garlic mashed potatoes
38. Fresh water chestnuts
39. Steel cut oats
40. Quinoa
41. Grilled portabello mushrooms
42. Chipotle en adobo
43. Stone ground whole grain cornmeal
44. Freshly made corn or wheat tortillas
45. Frittata
46. Basil pesto
47. Roasted garlic
48. Raita of any type
49. Mango lassi
50. Jasmine rice (white or brown)
51. Thai vegetarian coconut milk curry
52. Pumpkin in any form other than pie
53. Fresh apple pear or plum gallette
54. Quince in any form
55. Escarole, endive or arugula
56. Sprouts other than mung bean
57. Naturally brewed soy sauce
58. Dried shiitake mushrooms
59. Unusually colored vegetables (purple cauliflower, blue potatoes, chocolate bell peppers…)
60. Fresh peach ice cream
61. Chevre
62. Medjool dates
63. Kheer
64. Flourless chocolate cake
65. Grilled corn on the cob
66. Black bean (or any other bean) vegetarian chili
67. Tempeh
68. Seitan or wheat gluten
69. Gorgonzola or any other blue veined cheese
70. Sweet potato fries
71. Homemade au gratin potatoes
72. Cream of asparagus soup
73. Artichoke-Parmesan dip
74. Mushroom risotto
75. Fermented black beans
76. Garlic scapes
77. Fresh new baby peas
78. Kalamata olives
79. Preserved lemons
80. Fried green tomatoes
81. Chinese scallion pancakes
82. Cheese souffle
83. Fried apples
84. Homemade frijoles refritos
85. Pasta fagiole
86. Macadamia nuts in any form
87. Paw paw in any form
88. Grilled cheese sandwich of any kind
89. Paneer cheese
90. Ma Po Tofu (vegetarian style–no pork!)
91. Fresh pasta in any form
92. Grilled leeks, scallions or ramps
93. Green papaya salad
94. Baked grain and vegetable stuffed tomatoes
95. Pickled ginger
96. Methi greens
97. Aloo paratha
98. Kedgeree (the original Indian version without the smoked fish, not the British version with fish)
99. Okra
100. Roasted brussels sprouts
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