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MAMA iM STRANGE
16 February 2017 @ 09:38 pm
i want a love that will make me feel free
i want a love that will allow me to express the most innermost parts of me
one where we talk for hours about life, love, stupid shit like why whole foods sells organic celery flavored water for 20.00
i want a love where i can wear my do rag in bed
i want a love where he'll help my braid my hair, because he wants to know how to braid our daughters hair
i want a love where he writes me silly poems because he knows ill laugh
i want a love where i can laugh
i want a love where i can cry, i want a love that'll keep my tears dry
i want a love that tells me to calm the hell down when im mad
and one that realizes .. im the shit
because i promise you i can't wait to show you the amazing man you could become with me
the man you always thought you could be, and more
i want to love you
i want to a love like
 
 
MAMA iM STRANGE
16 February 2017 @ 09:35 pm
i want a love love
i want a love that makes my heart skip a beat when i see him
because i know that he actually cares about me and isn't trying to use me
because that's how i feel right now
i feel like the men that i've been dealing with look at my like i'm a pussy with legs
and want to get to know me so they can get to know my V
i haven't found a man that actually wants to get to know my mind
i haven't found a man that thinks im actually worth the time
you don't realize that your going to aggresivley for pink pearls that you're missing a cave full of diamonds
i want a love love
i want a love where he picks me off my feet and makes me feel like i'm the only girl in the world
because latley ive been feeling like another one of your hos
someone you call on the weekend when your lonley, get your rocks off and go back to your main homies
i want a love love
a love where i dont have to wonder when your going to text back
because you want to know what i'm doing, how i'm doing and if i'm thinking about you
i am
because when i love you the world falls away
everyone else calling my phone, leaving me messages
they fall away
and i just want to be that person for someone that makes everything else
do that 
 
 
MAMA iM STRANGE
09 November 2016 @ 10:59 am
the next logical step is me setting goals and how to acheive them so i dont feel shitty.

general overaching want:

i want to be able to have a career where i feel comfortable, be able to pay off debt, be in a happy healthy relationship with someone and have my own car and place. is that too damn much to ask.

goals:

have a job by the end of january in a career that i want and a place that i enjoy
have someone that i'm talking to by the end of january who is someone that i want and enjoy talking to and spending time with
get better at fucking spanish
start paying off my loans
start having an adult budget so i can get a car and maybe a place of my own
Slay the fashion game

S.M.A.R.T. GOAL VERSION

Apply daily to 2x jobs, and follow up with all the jobs that I've applied to weekly and keep a journal of the contact times and dates of these people in an easily accessible location. Focus on the mission statement and the purpose of the job that you want and who you want to work with, try not to settle.  Settle by the end of February seriously though. In the meantime, get started with Rallys and by the end of December make sure that you've started the job and have seen patients (possibly apply to the IV Doctor as well).

Only date no more than 2x people at the same time. No sex on the first date anymore girl, none. Date people with similar career minding goals as you.  Date people that you see potential in, and hold them to the same standards as yourself. If you have 1x person you're talking to increase it to 2x by going on a dating app or something. Potentially have a submissive person by the end of December for funsies, he can pay for manicures and pedicures and possibly shoes.

Study spanish daily with duolingo. Start to SPEAK in spanish more often. Starting now, order food in Spanish.  By the end of November you should be very comfortable with past tense form, and irregular verbs. By the end of Decemeber be comfortable with future tense and reflexive verbs and use them. If you need to daily journal in Spanish, and by the end of the year complete the studyspanish website. Starting tomorrow daily journal your feelings in Spanish, do one 5 sentence paragraph daily.

Fashion forward, get a new work wardrobe when you start working. Find hairstyles that you enjoy and are cute and wear them. Purchase clothes that look good on you without hesitation.
 
 
MAMA iM STRANGE
09 November 2016 @ 10:48 am
i need to be honest and get all the feelings in my head out of them at the moment and its not going to make a ton of sence but it's just going to have to do..

i wanted to write this but writing makes for me thinking too much about what i want to put on paper..typing the thoughts kind of fly out of my head.

how i'm feeling at the moment:

jealous: i'm tired of this ugly emotion; but i can't help but compare myself to others. gabby has a job, and i don't. aj has a happy relationship and i don't. like, x person has this and i dont. i can't i can't and i don't want to think like that becuase its not helpful. im jealous because i have a horrible feeling in my chest i that i feel like i should be better, that somehow i'm better and yet not getting the things that i want. and i don't know what 'better' means but whatever it is i'm poisoning my own head. i'm jealous of someone having a job because that's something that i've been wanting..that's the place where I wanted to work, that's what i thought was for me.

rejection: constantly getting rejected from jobs, especially one that i thought was an amazing fit. i keep getting rejected from things that i love. i legit have always wanted to work in california i legit have always wanted to work with black and brown communities, and yet here the fuck i am getting rejected from the job i thought was going to be great. i got rejected from somone i thought had ideal qualities in a man i liked, he checked all the boxes and then i get rejected by him too. like FUCK, i can't stand it i thought i deserve this? i know that word sounds really fucked up but when you're taught to love yourself and you are told not to accept anyting less than the best and then you actually try and request/demand/say/ask for it and it says NO, it hurts

feeling not good enough: due to both emotions above i feel like somehow im not good enough. i thought i was. it's been 6 months since i've graduated, 2 months since i've actually been back in california.. i still don't havea  job. i feel not good enough to the places what i wanted to work out (mostly just two), and then also with the men iv'e been attracted and getting rejected..that too. just not good enough when im comparing, not good enough with my spanish. omg, im taking a spanish class right now and i feel so shitty about it. it's contributing to my jealous/anger towards someone that i shouldn't be jealous/angry towards. maybe this is why i'm such a high achiever? because i hate that there's a potential for these feelings to occur when i'm not at the place where i want to be.

unmotivated: i feel sorry for myself, i want to cry i feel shitty because of all the above and then i feel unmotivated to do SHIT. i don't want to study spanish because then i'm going to be frustrated im not getting it, i dont want to date because im tired of getting rejected and go between following up with jobs or not because of that. i dont go the gym because i feel shitty..like there's so much shittiness that's happening right now.

i know the answer is to chin up, be optimistic and work hard but I THOUGHT I DID THAT AND NOTHING HAPPENED. i feel so down, rejected in the dumps and i think it's also because my period is due in 5 days but i feel like shit man. i have literal days where i feel good and feel like shit and today is another day where i feel shitty. felt good yesterday, shitty today.

oh and donald motherfucking trump is president. how.

i feel sick, im tired, i want to curl up and die but i can't so i wont. :/ i'm frustrated man, why can't i do the things i want to do? why can't i be the person i want to be? 
 
 
Current Mood: sad as fuck and mad as fuck
 
 
MAMA iM STRANGE
22 October 2016 @ 09:47 pm
why d i think i can only get love
if i spread my legs for a man who doesn't care about me to fuck
just so maybe he can get to know me
why dont i think im worth more than that
are my actions becas that's how if feel about myself?

but how come when i ask for me
demand more..im told
that's too much to ask
 
 
 
MAMA iM STRANGE
22 October 2016 @ 09:45 pm
have you ever been told that you're not good enough?
have you ever been told that your not as special as you think you are?
no? are you sure?

her dark brown curly hair, it frizzes, twists, and curls not wanting to be tamed by hair products and oils but instead prefers to dance in the wind. it is a both a hiding cave and a lions mane a place where she draws her magic.
it falls against her face, caressing her brown cheeks, tendrils of hair falling into the curve of her smile.
her hair is an extension of wild and free energy when her hips sway on the dance floor, her fingers wave in the air, and the electricity flows from the bottom of her painted pink toes to the ends of her hair, while she 'whips her hair back and forth'.
she cuts it, braids it, twists it, moisturizes it, grows it, loves it, shares it
it stays with her, she's learned to love it as much as it loves being free


but he tells her to put her hair up, because it doesn't fit his idea of beautiful hair
because it doesn't lay straight, and refuses to remain tied in a hair elastic that stretches and bends barley accomodating the curls waiting to burst it wide open.
because it doesn't lay flat against her head, and isn't sleek, isn't straight
she ties it up
shocked
while her hair trembles with emotion
of being stifled, magic bubbling in her twists, energy trapped

put your hair up and away, black girl.

---

i was told i wasn't beautiful enough
i was too dark, i'm not light
my hair should be put away, when am i going to straigten it?
it's..a lot of hair
he said it, and because i wanted love..
i said ok
 
 
MAMA iM STRANGE
22 October 2016 @ 09:32 pm
yo, i'm mentally done and tired studying for this exam
i could force myself to do more, but naw, fuq that shit.
also i'm sad as shit.

-- no idea when that draft was autosaved but yeah lemme post this
 
 
MAMA iM STRANGE
31 December 2015 @ 06:53 pm
hello from 2015, lol jk hello from the other side is stuck in my head for no reason.

anyway, i think 2016 is going to be an epic year, it's when my round the world trip is happening, i'm moving back to california, and also leaving boston, and possibly starting my life as a nurse practitioner.

this year, i want to focus on the good vibes.
i want to continue doing what i'm doing, basically.
i hopefully want to find love in the new year, but it's nore required.

i think my active goal will also be to stop procrastinating. therefore, when something comes to me, i'll either do it when i think of it - or, write it on my to-doist. i will also take a more active role in remembering when things are due, and important dates.

i also want to meet new people. so i'd like to meet 2-4 facebook friends that i already have, and like go to meet ups and follow-up with the people i meet up with.
 
 
MAMA iM STRANGE
31 December 2015 @ 06:40 pm
6 hours before 2016.
first thought is wow.  i've written in this journal and recorded my thoughts and been on this earth for a time long enough to be like 'wow'.
i'm sitting here in the bed and room where i started this journal and first started writing my thoughts down in a journal. i'm looking at the wall near my bathroom door and remember when i used to cry being angry and crumple up pieces of journal pages in my hands when i was so upset.

i've had a lot of mixed emotions and feelings latley, and i haven't been able to release them in the way that i've been used to in the past couple years - which are friends, and family.. then i remembered how i used to get my feelings out, a long time ago.  through writing. that's what got me into writing in the first place, and a great way i figured to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

i'm nearing the end of my boston chapter/journal/walk. it's really bittersweet - the word i've been using the describe the entire experience. i thought it would be all sweet, with maybe me missing some of the friends i made but generally happy to leave the entire place behind, weather, public transportation, lack of diversity and all - but nah. the memories man.

i'll be hella missing the memories - and i have to close my eyes when i write that. memories.. big sigh, huge sigh. i'm really thinking about people, people make the memories.

i'm thinking about george about 90% is george, then like 10% jason (sorry hun, but you just didn't stay with me as long); i'm really thinking about george. and it's like weird because memories = the people and experiences you shared with the people; and i think i'm upset because i had a ton of good memories with george, i enjoy time with him, he's almost like my pillow i know he'll be there and i can call him and he's reliable - but he's not the one for me right now. right now it's not right and i wouldn't be happy with him.

i think i have a lot of guilt around saying no the george, after he's been with me though so much and helped me with so much in boston when it came to creating great memories (going to salem, watchign scary movies, halloween season) honestly, this year without him and the seasons haven't been the same and i've thought about the last year when we did all the fun things that we did and those GOOD memories. that's where the bittersweet comes from. a lot of the bittersweet comes from. i'm guilty because i feel bad i hurt him; and then i feel afraid i won't find anyone like george. those are the two riding feelings that i have.

then part of me is saying jennifer, you chose this. go with it. choose it and let it be. i just am projecting into the future and knowing that it'll hurt leavig boston - because for me i guess it symbolizing leaving him. deep breath in. deep breath out. deep breath in. deep breathe out. it doesn't help that he's so serious either. it makes it all dramatic. but i think what i want to do is let go of the guilt, let go of that.

going back to memories, it's about the people. and george isn't dead, he's not someone that i'm wallign off (although, i will have to devote less time as i try and find someon enew in los angeles). but, it's not lke he's dead. i'm going to MISS the people. that's why i'm sad. i'm going to miss gabby, i'm going to miss tasha, irvienne, george, jason, my mentors.. i'm going to miss that. it's the people. its hard and it's sad and it sucks.

BOSTON FEELINGS: I'm going to miss the time and memories I've created with the people I loved and laughed with.

BIG SIGH, that feels better. another thing i'm feeling is a little jealous/upset/strange/frustrated about my best friend. we've both come to the conclusion (plus her therapist) that she's emotionally dependent. she's constantly talking about keith, constanly. i can't help but feel 1. jealous that i don't have a boyfriend, 2. that our conversations aren't the same, they're always really about him and his issues and moving away from us, and us time. sometimes i feel she's a bit distant recently and sometimes maybe not listening. i think it's becuase she's preoccuptied with keith. i haven't talked to her or reached out for that reason.  one, is that i don't really want to hear about her and keith.. i get it you guys, lol. i'm a little jealous, but i also don't feel like every conversation needs to have him in it. i get that you guys are building and need support - but i don't know i've felt super third-wheely around them and honestly her recently. i dont feel like we have the same goals and i dont want say connection because our connection is awesome - but it's more around we don't have the same.. similarities in our conversations and stuff right now. i don't think this is permanent, but like she's talking about having a house, getting a dog, and children. like.. dude, that's that couple stuff.

I want to yell IM NOT IN A REALTIONSHIP, I"M SINGLE, THIS CONVERSATION IS KIND OF EXLUCDING BECAUSE I CANT RELATE. IM ON MY OWN SINGLE STRUGGLE RIGHT NOW. IT SUCKS. REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS HAPPENING TO YOU? REMEMBER HOW MUCH HELP YOU NEEDED? REMEMBR HOW I DIDNT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT ME AND DAVID UNLESS YOU ASKED? REMEMBER HOW SUCKY THIS IS? OKAY COOL, THANKS.

But.. yeah not getting that from her. :/  A part of me is like that's the reason why I'm feeling kinda bummed and wrting on my journal. *sigh* Another sigh.

FRIEND FEELINGS: I'm actually okay with most of my friends, but my close one is really focused on her relationship, which I think is taking away from ours.

SIGHHHHH.. honestly, those are the main issues i have.

i'm also a bit stressed and contemplative about moving out, and taking thse nurse practitioner boards. it's crazy because i can literally say i've done all this by myself.. as far as support, etc. well not really, that's a lie there's always been someone supporting or helping me. ANYWAY i wanted to say those are my 2015 worries, and stressors. i also refuse to listen to the adele album becuas i think ill cry. like forever.

so my next post.. after all this feelings sorting is.. things i want to leave in 2015 and do in 2016. 
 
 
Current Location: my room
Current Mood: hello from the other side
Current Music: adele
 
 
MAMA iM STRANGE
26 December 2015 @ 08:22 pm
can you tell im going through it?

^apparently from my previous post
anyway.

u know it's holidays when you get asked if you have a boyfriend and then get asked how old you are and then someone tells you it's time
like.. leave me alone lol

i have relationship issues and honestly more recenty i've been going through it. i've been going through it alone in my head. i used to be able to chat with my friend about it, but she got into a relationship and ever since then i dont think she's willing to relate or leaving space like honest space open for me to talk about it because she's so into her own thing.  literally everything she talks about is her boyfriend..keith this, keith that..and honestly i'm happy for her but i'm also feeling very like.. *singled* out

there's a ton of unfortunate things that happen in the world when your single.

  • if you want to join for 3rd wheel, everyone asks why you're not in a relationship

  • you're a 3rd wheel; ignored

  • something is wrong with you, because your 26 and it's time

  • when people ask you about something like that it's like wtf, like do you even care about me outside of my relationships status

the only people ill talk to about my relationship life are people that i know care about it outside of that.. anyway yeah, like i've been uber sensitive about my relationship status for a while like at least 9 months.. i'm so over it

like i feel lonley, then i feel frustrated i feel like that, then i want to be in a relationship because i just want to start building with someone .. like i dont wan to have sex, i want a connecion.. like i dont know plus my fukin eggs are gonna implode in about 4 more years :/
even friends i thought wouln't be in a relationship are either in one or getting married and honestly that's not a good mindest to have

what i want is to be in a relationship where i feel comfortable and happy and where my partner does to. i want to feel 'equally yolked' like i want you to be young and prfessional as well.. like .. after i write this im probably going to be sad in my room .. i dunno

the moon is full so maybe i'm feeling some type of way.. but i'm def. feeling some type of way
i know nothing is wrong with me, i know i'm worthy, i know i'm special and smart.. i know i'm good.. but my partner ?

like george and jason.. that's my two in boston right now
and honestly.. i dunno with george i love him but sometimes i wish i never met him because i feel so wrapped up and tangled in what we used to be. the hoidays have made me more pensive, i'm more moody today and the question from my aunt triggered it.. i just.. i dunno i feel like people would treat me differently if i wasn't single .. it's fucked up becuase i know people wouldn't care if i was in an unhealthy relationship or not..just as long as i was in one.

i'm upset.. i'm feeling frustrated at my relationship status, i'm irritated that my aunt asked me that question with no context.. like you can't just superficially bring that subject up, i'm just..im good

i'm just going to watch steven universe and cry tonight
like im good 
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: steven universe theme song