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31 December 2015 @ 06:40 pm
new years  
6 hours before 2016.
first thought is wow.  i've written in this journal and recorded my thoughts and been on this earth for a time long enough to be like 'wow'.
i'm sitting here in the bed and room where i started this journal and first started writing my thoughts down in a journal. i'm looking at the wall near my bathroom door and remember when i used to cry being angry and crumple up pieces of journal pages in my hands when i was so upset.

i've had a lot of mixed emotions and feelings latley, and i haven't been able to release them in the way that i've been used to in the past couple years - which are friends, and family.. then i remembered how i used to get my feelings out, a long time ago.  through writing. that's what got me into writing in the first place, and a great way i figured to sort out my thoughts and feelings.

i'm nearing the end of my boston chapter/journal/walk. it's really bittersweet - the word i've been using the describe the entire experience. i thought it would be all sweet, with maybe me missing some of the friends i made but generally happy to leave the entire place behind, weather, public transportation, lack of diversity and all - but nah. the memories man.

i'll be hella missing the memories - and i have to close my eyes when i write that. memories.. big sigh, huge sigh. i'm really thinking about people, people make the memories.

i'm thinking about george about 90% is george, then like 10% jason (sorry hun, but you just didn't stay with me as long); i'm really thinking about george. and it's like weird because memories = the people and experiences you shared with the people; and i think i'm upset because i had a ton of good memories with george, i enjoy time with him, he's almost like my pillow i know he'll be there and i can call him and he's reliable - but he's not the one for me right now. right now it's not right and i wouldn't be happy with him.

i think i have a lot of guilt around saying no the george, after he's been with me though so much and helped me with so much in boston when it came to creating great memories (going to salem, watchign scary movies, halloween season) honestly, this year without him and the seasons haven't been the same and i've thought about the last year when we did all the fun things that we did and those GOOD memories. that's where the bittersweet comes from. a lot of the bittersweet comes from. i'm guilty because i feel bad i hurt him; and then i feel afraid i won't find anyone like george. those are the two riding feelings that i have.

then part of me is saying jennifer, you chose this. go with it. choose it and let it be. i just am projecting into the future and knowing that it'll hurt leavig boston - because for me i guess it symbolizing leaving him. deep breath in. deep breath out. deep breath in. deep breathe out. it doesn't help that he's so serious either. it makes it all dramatic. but i think what i want to do is let go of the guilt, let go of that.

going back to memories, it's about the people. and george isn't dead, he's not someone that i'm wallign off (although, i will have to devote less time as i try and find someon enew in los angeles). but, it's not lke he's dead. i'm going to MISS the people. that's why i'm sad. i'm going to miss gabby, i'm going to miss tasha, irvienne, george, jason, my mentors.. i'm going to miss that. it's the people. its hard and it's sad and it sucks.

BOSTON FEELINGS: I'm going to miss the time and memories I've created with the people I loved and laughed with.

BIG SIGH, that feels better. another thing i'm feeling is a little jealous/upset/strange/frustrated about my best friend. we've both come to the conclusion (plus her therapist) that she's emotionally dependent. she's constantly talking about keith, constanly. i can't help but feel 1. jealous that i don't have a boyfriend, 2. that our conversations aren't the same, they're always really about him and his issues and moving away from us, and us time. sometimes i feel she's a bit distant recently and sometimes maybe not listening. i think it's becuase she's preoccuptied with keith. i haven't talked to her or reached out for that reason.  one, is that i don't really want to hear about her and keith.. i get it you guys, lol. i'm a little jealous, but i also don't feel like every conversation needs to have him in it. i get that you guys are building and need support - but i don't know i've felt super third-wheely around them and honestly her recently. i dont feel like we have the same goals and i dont want say connection because our connection is awesome - but it's more around we don't have the same.. similarities in our conversations and stuff right now. i don't think this is permanent, but like she's talking about having a house, getting a dog, and children. like.. dude, that's that couple stuff.

I want to yell IM NOT IN A REALTIONSHIP, I"M SINGLE, THIS CONVERSATION IS KIND OF EXLUCDING BECAUSE I CANT RELATE. IM ON MY OWN SINGLE STRUGGLE RIGHT NOW. IT SUCKS. REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS HAPPENING TO YOU? REMEMBER HOW MUCH HELP YOU NEEDED? REMEMBR HOW I DIDNT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT ME AND DAVID UNLESS YOU ASKED? REMEMBER HOW SUCKY THIS IS? OKAY COOL, THANKS.

But.. yeah not getting that from her. :/  A part of me is like that's the reason why I'm feeling kinda bummed and wrting on my journal. *sigh* Another sigh.

FRIEND FEELINGS: I'm actually okay with most of my friends, but my close one is really focused on her relationship, which I think is taking away from ours.

SIGHHHHH.. honestly, those are the main issues i have.

i'm also a bit stressed and contemplative about moving out, and taking thse nurse practitioner boards. it's crazy because i can literally say i've done all this by myself.. as far as support, etc. well not really, that's a lie there's always been someone supporting or helping me. ANYWAY i wanted to say those are my 2015 worries, and stressors. i also refuse to listen to the adele album becuas i think ill cry. like forever.

so my next post.. after all this feelings sorting is.. things i want to leave in 2015 and do in 2016. 
 
 
Current Location: my room
Current Mood: hello from the other side
Current Music: adele