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09 November 2016 @ 10:48 am
personal feelings pt. 1  
i need to be honest and get all the feelings in my head out of them at the moment and its not going to make a ton of sence but it's just going to have to do..

i wanted to write this but writing makes for me thinking too much about what i want to put on paper..typing the thoughts kind of fly out of my head.

how i'm feeling at the moment:

jealous: i'm tired of this ugly emotion; but i can't help but compare myself to others. gabby has a job, and i don't. aj has a happy relationship and i don't. like, x person has this and i dont. i can't i can't and i don't want to think like that becuase its not helpful. im jealous because i have a horrible feeling in my chest i that i feel like i should be better, that somehow i'm better and yet not getting the things that i want. and i don't know what 'better' means but whatever it is i'm poisoning my own head. i'm jealous of someone having a job because that's something that i've been wanting..that's the place where I wanted to work, that's what i thought was for me.

rejection: constantly getting rejected from jobs, especially one that i thought was an amazing fit. i keep getting rejected from things that i love. i legit have always wanted to work in california i legit have always wanted to work with black and brown communities, and yet here the fuck i am getting rejected from the job i thought was going to be great. i got rejected from somone i thought had ideal qualities in a man i liked, he checked all the boxes and then i get rejected by him too. like FUCK, i can't stand it i thought i deserve this? i know that word sounds really fucked up but when you're taught to love yourself and you are told not to accept anyting less than the best and then you actually try and request/demand/say/ask for it and it says NO, it hurts

feeling not good enough: due to both emotions above i feel like somehow im not good enough. i thought i was. it's been 6 months since i've graduated, 2 months since i've actually been back in california.. i still don't havea  job. i feel not good enough to the places what i wanted to work out (mostly just two), and then also with the men iv'e been attracted and getting rejected..that too. just not good enough when im comparing, not good enough with my spanish. omg, im taking a spanish class right now and i feel so shitty about it. it's contributing to my jealous/anger towards someone that i shouldn't be jealous/angry towards. maybe this is why i'm such a high achiever? because i hate that there's a potential for these feelings to occur when i'm not at the place where i want to be.

unmotivated: i feel sorry for myself, i want to cry i feel shitty because of all the above and then i feel unmotivated to do SHIT. i don't want to study spanish because then i'm going to be frustrated im not getting it, i dont want to date because im tired of getting rejected and go between following up with jobs or not because of that. i dont go the gym because i feel shitty..like there's so much shittiness that's happening right now.

i know the answer is to chin up, be optimistic and work hard but I THOUGHT I DID THAT AND NOTHING HAPPENED. i feel so down, rejected in the dumps and i think it's also because my period is due in 5 days but i feel like shit man. i have literal days where i feel good and feel like shit and today is another day where i feel shitty. felt good yesterday, shitty today.

oh and donald motherfucking trump is president. how.

i feel sick, im tired, i want to curl up and die but i can't so i wont. :/ i'm frustrated man, why can't i do the things i want to do? why can't i be the person i want to be? 
Current Mood: sad as fuck and mad as fuck