so it's almost a year later and i broke up with george last week
i'm having all types of fucking emotions and have been wanting to write this down for a long time, but forgot my password to this thing. so here i am.
i'm actually relived i get to type this out becuase there's been some shit on my chest. that lonley feeling i posted about a year ago, i still have that now that i broke up with george it's even MORE intense. i really feel like i don't relate to this city, and i didn't know this at the time but george was really my anchor and i didn't realize how anchoring he was until i left him.
we still talk every day, but it's not the same. i literally feel like the top part of my heart is missing a piece. i know george will always have it. but yeah, the fact that he was older clearly was bugging me. but i thought about it very deeply after the breakup and it wasn't really my personal issues so much as the outside view of us. were interracial, i'm a black girl who has some genes that make me look 2-3 younger than my real age. george happens to look older than his real age, lol but he doesn't act like it. so we look like we have a stark difference between us from the outside - then i was like why am i looking at what other people think about me, about us?
part of the reason is becuase i've always been hyperaware of myself, and how people look at me - being a black woman and all. i felt really at peace when i was within my community because i knew there was no judgement and i for once could be a wallflower and just chill. with george, it's just the opposite, the spotlight is on us.. we just seem like an odd couple to some. i've gotton looks from strangers, i've gotten comments from acquaintances, and im sure i'll even get some judgement (but they'll still love me) from friends. i was so self concious about that, and constantly wondered about the greener grass.. but then i did a lot of research (not a ton of scientific stuff) but found that there's a lot of happy couples with a 17 year age gap. fuck, solonge and alan ferguson have a 24 year age gap - that being said they're both black and nobody notices.
that's not the main reason i broke up with him, but the age difference brings up a lot of controversy and taboo.
i guess it was as personality thing, he wasn't that talkative, not that funny. in fact not a great joker at all, lol. but i guess that's endearing - near the end of the relationshp i was being cold. i didn't want to hug him, hold him, anything. there was a wedge between us ..he knew it and i knew it, but none of us said anything. i hate boston. flight of ideas, i know but i hate this place. it's constanly dark and fucks with my mood. it was during a time when i was taking my boards for nursing..and he was supportive the entire time.. why wasn't that enough for me? i wanted more, but more of what?
i made a list after we broke up about what i wanted in a relationship, what were the pros and cons of being in the relationship i was in, and some truths of the relationship. i came down to a couple things after some serious thought - the difference between a personality and a behavior, and some things about myself.
i learned that, who the fuck cares what other people think - they're not living in my life. and right now all the people that said shit to me that lingered with me don't talk to me now, don't chat with me, don't do a damn thing. so im here, lonley and fuck like why did i care in the first place.
i learned that you can change behaviors, but not personality. you have to be okay with personality things, and there's room for behavior things. as long as a person can adjust their behavior you're good.
i learned that george has a ton of qualities i love and have always wanted in a person. i just didn't expect them in that package. so, is the packaging part of what i need in a relationship or can live without? with george, i can see us hanging out on some forgein conturies together; i hated and also liked that he literally was my equal and he took charge. that was always me in previous relationshps, but i never knew what to do with the power and may have been a bitch at times.
i think there was a moment in time that somehow moved from me doing everything for myself, to trusting george to support me and help me with things, which he did. i lost that when we broke up and didn't realize how important that was to me. i'm learning to depend on myself again, and that's hard. i didn't realize how much of ahold he had on me.
shits hard out here for a pimp man, i'm only getting older and im like.. was he the one. it's just im not happy. im a robot grinding out here in boston to survive, and that's not how i wanted to live my life. i wanted to LIVE, i wanted it be full of music, joy , and laughter.. but right now all im doing is crying, feeling this hole in my heart, and seriously jut down in the damn dumps.. still trying to survive and put on a game face every day. it's hard. it's hard.
Current Music: tamia - officially missing you