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23 March 2015 @ 02:34 pm
i miss how we used to hold hands on the bus
i miss you sticking your finger in the air when you got a good idea when writing your paper
i miss you trying to scare me when i was in the bathroom (even if it made me cry, i wanted to go to sleep)
i miss the way you made me feel whenever we went to your events
i miss how sure i felt holding your hand when we were together
i miss knowing that you knew where iw as coming from
i miss the fact that you were down to do most things with me
i miss hearing you tell me goodnight, or expecting your call
i miss our bike rides on the charles river
the bus rides to central square

i don't want to leave this relationship that i know has someone i love in it, because of something i think we can work out
i don't want to stop the relationship without trying my hardest.

but you have to let me grow, you have to let me try.
you have to help me learn.
just know that i love you. 
Current Music: fantasia - truth is
22 March 2015 @ 10:23 pm
this is the wost breakup ive ever had and i've only had one other one
it hurts, i've been crying on and off for 2 and a half weeks.
i hate it, i hate it. i've been listening to love songs, break up songs, crying in my room.
it's lonley as fuck.
he had everything i wanted but i had reservations and he knew it and i made him feel like shit
i made him feel like he was not good enough, and now he might be the one that got away
like nobody is here for me,

dont let what other people think fuck your shit up
everyone will always have opinions and i might have lost a good one because i thought i knew that
but i guess i didnt

i feel like 1/4 of my heart is gone. he has it.
22 March 2015 @ 10:18 pm
I felt that was goodbye on the phone - I just felt it.

It was like had your hand on the doorknob, said your last words and closed it.  Maybe more for yourself than anyone else.  It was hard for you I imagine, as hard as it was for me hearing it, and feeling it.  I remembered what you said a long time ago about how you ‘shut down’ when things got bad – I knew that I was shut out that part of your life, maybe forever. I felt like we broke up again.

I remember you wrote me a story at the beginning of my relationship.  So, here’s this letter. I loved you hard (still love you) when we were together. The last weeks I didn’t say it, and I regret that. I don’t want to live with the regret of you not knowing how much I loved you when we were together.

I know you said never to say it if you didn’t mean it, and I meant it when I said it. My language of love is actions, and I hope I showed you that I loved you during our relationship.  I can still feel your hand in mine, it’s always hard thinking back to the move recent times because it was only a couple weeks ago.

I loved being curled together with you in bed, I loved that I learned about crazy science stuff with you, I loved realizing I can actually lift weights.  I loved having someone believing in me.  I loved that you liked to try new things with me, loved that we could talk about culture, blackness, whiteness, identity together (albeit sometimes rough).  I loved your beautiful eyes, your strong arms, your long native-american hair. I loved that you let me braid it, and loved it when you hugged me.

I thought of you every day, and I called you whenever I thought of you.  It was often.  Now, when I think of you I know I have to resist the urge to call you because I know what it is.

I learned a lot from this relationship, and will never forget this period of life and how much brightness is brought me.  I should have said it more, but you were my joy in Boston.  I hope we cross paths again, and we’re both in a happier place.  
Current Location: my room
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: fantasia - bittersweet
19 March 2015 @ 01:19 pm
sup journal

so it's almost a year later and i broke up with george last week
i'm having all types of fucking emotions and have been wanting to write this down for a long time, but forgot my password to this thing. so here i am.

i'm actually relived i get to type this out becuase there's been some shit on my chest.  that lonley feeling i posted about a year ago, i still have that now that i broke up with george it's even MORE intense. i really feel like i don't relate to this city, and i didn't know this at the time but george was really my anchor and i didn't realize how anchoring he was until i left him.

we still talk every day, but it's not the same. i literally feel like the top part of my heart is missing a piece. i know george will always have it. but yeah, the fact that he was older clearly was bugging me. but i thought about it very deeply after the breakup and it wasn't really my personal issues so much as the outside view of us. were interracial, i'm a black girl who has some genes that make me look 2-3 younger than my real age.  george happens to look older than his real age, lol but he doesn't act like it.  so we look like we have a stark difference between us from the outside - then i was like why am i looking at what other people think about me, about us?

part of the reason is becuase i've always been hyperaware of myself, and how people look at me - being a black woman and all.  i felt really at peace when i was within my community because i knew there was no judgement and i for once could be a wallflower and just chill.  with george, it's just the opposite, the spotlight is on us.. we just seem like an odd couple to some.  i've gotton looks from strangers, i've gotten comments from acquaintances, and im sure i'll even get some judgement (but they'll still love me) from friends. i was so self concious about that, and constantly wondered about the greener grass.. but then i did a lot of research (not a ton of scientific stuff) but found that there's a lot of happy couples with a 17 year age gap. fuck, solonge and alan ferguson have a 24 year age gap - that being said they're both black and nobody notices.

that's not the main reason i broke up with him, but the age difference brings up a lot of controversy and taboo.

i guess it was as personality thing, he wasn't that talkative, not that funny.  in fact not a great joker at all, lol. but i guess that's endearing - near the end of the relationshp i was being cold. i didn't want to hug him, hold him, anything. there was a wedge between us ..he knew it and i knew it, but none of us said anything. i hate boston. flight of ideas, i know but i hate this place. it's constanly dark and fucks with my mood. it was during a time when i was taking my boards for nursing..and he was supportive the entire time.. why wasn't that enough for me? i wanted more, but more of what?

i made a list after we broke up about what i wanted in a relationship, what were the pros and cons of being in the relationship i was in, and some truths of the relationship.  i came down to a couple things after some serious thought - the difference between a personality and a behavior, and some things about myself.

i learned that, who the fuck cares what other people think - they're not living in my life.  and right now all the people that said shit to me that lingered with me don't talk to me now, don't chat with me, don't do a damn thing. so im here, lonley and fuck like why did i care in the first place.

i learned that you can change behaviors, but not personality. you have to be okay with personality things, and there's room for behavior things. as long as a person can adjust their behavior you're good.

i learned that george has a ton of qualities i love and have always wanted in a person. i just didn't expect them in that package. so, is the packaging part of what i need in a relationship or can live without? with george, i can see us hanging out on some forgein conturies together; i hated and also liked that he literally was my equal and he took charge.  that was always me in previous relationshps, but i never knew what to do with the power and may have been a bitch at times.

i think there was a moment in time that somehow moved from me doing everything for myself, to trusting george to support me and help me with things, which he did. i lost that when we broke up and didn't realize how important that was to me. i'm learning to depend on myself again, and that's hard. i didn't realize how much of ahold he had on me.

shits hard out here for a pimp man, i'm only getting older and im like.. was he the one. it's just im not happy. im a robot grinding out here in boston to survive, and that's not how i wanted to live my life. i wanted to LIVE, i wanted it be full of music, joy , and laughter.. but right now all im doing is crying, feeling this hole in my heart, and seriously jut down in the damn dumps.. still trying to survive and put on a game face every day.  it's hard. it's hard. 
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: tamia - officially missing you
26 June 2014 @ 05:44 pm
so it's been a while, and i've had a lot on my mind in the past weeks or maybe months

today was a very blah day, i don't know how to describe my emotions other than dissapointed whatever. while i was walking back to george's i was thinking..what's wrong with me that i feel sad/depressed/moody on my second day off of work. is there something wrong with me that i can only be happy when i'm work (and i'm complaning about it btw) and i'm not even HAPPY when i'm at work i want to leave the minute i clock in to be honest. thank god tomorrow is my last day working for the week and then i'm off until tuesday i think. so hell yeah.

i was also feeling lonely on the walk home.  i'm in a relationship right now and i don't think i'm really that happy. like i'm happy but i don't know he's 43..he lied to me about his age..long story but whatever i've been with him for 7-8 months. he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and i'm not thinking that far ahead. and i'm wondering if its because i'm unfulffiled in this relationship or what. like sometimes i dont like how he treats me. sometimes i feel like what i'm getting from this relationship isn't worth the crap i've already dealt with and i'm not saying it's a ton of stuff but just the little things that i COULD be having, at least i think i could be having.

then i think to myself, jen the grass isn't greener on the otherside. i don't know. i just know that today i'm not feeling 100% and i don't know why. i feel lonley, i feel sad, i feel really solo. i don't really feel like i belong anywhere, i feel like i'm sitting on the bus by myself in a city that i don't know a soul in. it's really lonley, and i'm not happy today. i just am not. i don't want to do anything, and i don't know george..he's okay but it's like..he doesn't ask about me, what do i want, he assumes i want things and gives me nice things sometimes. but then i'm like.. is it worth it. i'm sitting at his house right now i'm lonley as fuck, i want to look cute tomorrow but i dont want to fuck up my hair. i don't want to stay here..i want to go back home..granted i've been here since saturday but it's not my own.

there's something about it when it's not mine, when i don't get a choice, a choosing it makes me feel a certain way. i don't know, i just feel sad today.. i miss my friends, i miss my family, i miss driving, i miss my city, i miss the familiarity, i miss KNOWING. i miss having that control over my life where i know what to do and where to go and how to get there. i feel like for some reason i don't have that control.

i have two assignments that i haven't started that are due sunday.. fuck mannnn.. i'm just OVER life right now. i don't want to have sex tonight..right now i want a girl next door neighboor that was like my twin that i could go over there and she could relate to me and then we could mess around and possibly cuddle i don tknow I JUST UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i want a break from this..all of it but then i don't..but then i do. 
Current Location: george's house
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
25 September 2013 @ 11:05 pm
as i type this a white guy who is attractive is sucking my toes..#blackfemale supremacy
19 September 2013 @ 11:37 pm
so continuing on..with my foul mood
i really don't know why i'm in a foul mood ..is it because im single? is it because i only seem to ever attract creepy men? am i some kind of freak? i don't know, i don't feel happy and my chest feels like it's weighed down with either stress or just be being upset in general.  honestly, i feel like crying and i dont know again if its because of stress of school (i have a lot of work to do and it's constant) and/or the people interactions i've had today.  i've only had one good interaction today, the rest has been seriously shitty. i don't know what's up with me but i'm def. upset. i feel like a fish in a shark tank .. i feel like i should strive to do better, i don't feel like where i can be.  i don't feel like i'm all the way up and running.  im upset i can't buy nice things, i'm upset that the things that i do to buy nice things are almsot impossible and i feel judged for them. im fucking just UGH.

i have two tests next week and honestly i should probably be studying instead of typing this in irritation but i almsot can't help it.

i just ..i dont know i want somebody to love me. and its selfish but i dont even feel like loving them back right now, but i want someone to love me. i don't know :( im upset. i'm upset that i cant even correctly verbalize what i want to say and then im' thinking wow my vocabulary is shitty.. IDK IM feeling low, im feeling down in the fucking dumps. :(

fuck and fuck and also more fuck.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
19 September 2013 @ 11:17 pm
today is one of those days that i'm sick of people

my roomate b - irritated me this evening
the one girl in my clinical that happens to take the same train as me irritated me
david irritated me

three fuckers irritated me today.
i'm irritated =_=; im fuckin irate as shit.
a bitch wants to stab something or scream - i'm not that irate but a bitch is here making faces at the computer screen every time i remember one of the situations today.

ughhhhhhh you know what i'm going to have to vent about one of my roomates now i didn't want to be i'm going to go ahead and do it.  oh and did i mention i have to excecrse with little ass children tomorrow.. not in the mood.  they better not all be white or im going to feel like the fucking help

moving on, i knew me and her were going to butt heads in the beginning.  and can i say one thing..for a fucking speech pathologist your ass doesn't listen at ALL to people when they speak, you only care about yourself when you speak, you dont ask about anyone elses feelings, its all about your ass. nobody fucking cares bitch i listen because i have to and you talk a shit ton.  no it's never going to be the same between us after this foot shit, i pay part of the fucking rent we are not a family we are people that happen to live in the same house. i honestly am irritated that i have to regulate who i bring into this fucking house because you dont feel like locking your door, and youf eel unsafe.

honestly, this entire roomate situation made me realize that yet again it's better to lie and it's better to ask for forginess than permission.  but honestly, it's way better to lie, don't tell the truth about what you do just tell them what they want to hear.  honestly, you can tell what type of people want to hear a certain thing, i dont know why i was honest to begin with.. i think it's because i dont fucking know it must be eaiser. but a bitch has to lie about shit now, because im still going to do what the fuck i want to do - and you're going to fucking hear the fucking lie. ill just have to vent about it to someone else

02 August 2013 @ 10:48 pm
i've been coughin all day..
anyway, listening to j.cole i just had a four and a half hour shift and i swear anytime i have to be at work shit kills me. like, i could have spent an hour at work, when i get home i'm dead tired - idk why? anywho, i'm enjoying j.cole's album and the reason i'm writing this is because i'm procrastinating?

i'm supposed to do this centralized clinical placement orientation online and i saw how long this shit was and was like *clicks the x* and also the books..them books is like 1000 bucks.. like who the fuck can afford to go to school? like tell me who?

and i don't think i got that fuckin scholarship that i tried hella hard for. but i did try hella hard so at least that counts for something. also this is the second cold i've had in a minute.. im so paranoid that i have HIV yo.. yeah, i said it.  i' fucking a dude that just got out of jail unprotected. yep. i got tested for gonorrhea, the clap, and the other shit you can find in your urine and i'm clear (thank god).

but i'd rather have the clap than HIV, ya dig? and im like why have i gotten this cold AGAIN? is my immune system fucking up? am i positive? i wont know until december :/ til i get tested. that hasn't hit me either. fuck me man. if i'm not positive i swear to god i will never in my life ever use unprotected ever again. hear that lord? dont let me die. :(

anyway, yeah this gangster dude is an ass, like literally an ass

i really like david.. idk he loves me so much it's so powrful im like drawn to it. we're not together anymore but.. idk this love x_x halp. 
Current Mood: coughing up my soul
Current Music: j.cole born sinner
31 July 2013 @ 01:07 pm
so when i do get a sugar daddy - i'm saying when because a bitch be optimistic - i have a list of serious needs that must be purchased with this person's dinero.  henceforth is this list

  • conversational spanish course at boston college - and a certificate with that shit

  • a brand new casual/dinner/fun wardrobe

  • a tablet

  • my fuckin' tuition and rent (this is mostly a given)

  • some fucking nike free runs because they're trendy as shit and i want some for no reason they're not even comfortable but fuck it. i want them in pink and blue, is that a problem?

that's pretty much all my damn needs/wants.  i'm a simple ass person, yo.  i don't even know, i donnnt even know. i seriously be needing a sugar daddy though, this graduate shit is expensive. but my ass is low maintenance as fuck.  smhhhhhhhhhh, why lord why must i be on the hunt for a daddy.